Blast From The Past: 1981-83 at University of Adelaide

After the matriculation year in 1980 (see this post), I managed to get into University of Adelaide doing a physics degree as required by my scholarship that I had from Malaysian Ministry of Education. Those who had JPA scholarships, they tend to do more professional courses like medicine, engineering and architecture. To some extent, we tend to be considered 'inferior' by some. Like many others in Malaysia, I actually applied for engineering degree since we had imagined that it had better job security. So there was this feeling of just go with the flow in the beginning. I found myself to be better in the mathematics courses than physics. Chemistry was the worse (despite it was my best subject in school) with its 5pm lectures (with most of us dozing off).

During the early part of first year, I stayed with Khir and Shaiful in a town house in Devon Street North (see pic below).

The first pic was taken during our first day at University of Adelaide. The second was taken in our living room just in front of the kitchen. Our rooms were upstairs with me taking the smallest room facing the stairs. To get to the university, we normally take the train at Goodwood station.

Later that year, when Shaiful went back to Malaysia, we had another housemate Zaifulizan - he is on the right in the pic below, taken during 'Eid. In the next pic (taken during the same 'Eid), one can also see Nahar, my senior at school, who was also there.

Our life were pretty much focused at the university. It is only during the weekends, that we tend to go out to visit friends and if we are in luck, we will get free meals. Like during our matriculation year, most of our scholarship went to rent but at this time the amount is slightly bigger and conditions were a bit better. At times, things can get difficult and we had to save on food. I remember at some point, we didn't have enough money to buy much and at one point we just had rice with fried onions with turmeric (I remember this well because I was cooking the meal).

Later we moved again to a proper house with new housemates, Suhaimi and Halim (they are my juniors) - see their pics below at our new place, together with our landlord. How we organise ourselves together depends very much with whom we socialize. I remember we were close with Yem (Ibrahim) throughout the university life. You can see him below with the garden pick. These pics are taken while we were trying to move our things. It is a good thing that we had good friends that were always there to help. Much indebted to them.

Being at a proper house, I was able to hire drum sets during the term holidays to practice (otherwise I had to disturb others - asking permission to play at their place; they seem to be tolerant then - my apologies that they had to put up with all the noises and loud music). The next pic was our experimental music session - playing with pots and pans instead. We recorded that and I remembered listening with my musical brother and there were some magical moments. He noticed that Halim was good at his vocals.

One skill that I had acquired over the years is cooking which I likened as experiments. I had recipes given by my mum for which I had to experiment a little, sometimes to find a suitable substitute. I remembered baking cakes that seemed to work - creamed corn cake, coffee cake, boiled fruit cake. We usually go to the oriental food stores to get our spices (when we have enough money), while the rest at our local groceries. Sometimes during weekends, I cooked for guests coming over to our place (see pics). The second pic was taken during Eid when our junior lady friends came visiting with Yem.

Our Eids were mostly spent at the Adelaide mosque where we get to meet almost everyone. Since Eid is not a public holiday there, I remembered people rushing back to the universities to attend lectures, labs and even exams, after attending the function at the mosque. Here are more pics.

It was only during the third year that I got more serious with my studies. The third year was the year that we had to specialize by choosing two subject programmes. I had the choice between Physics, Pure Mathematics, Applied Mathematics and Mathematical Physics. I opted for Applied Mathematics and Mathematical Physics. I took all courses offered by these two programmes and that kept me busy. At the time, I thought to myself that Applied Mathematics would be closer to Mathematical Physics. I was mistaken of course. This is best explained in a different post.

Less Undesirable Information for a Better World

Today I left a WhatsApp group because I can't stand the discussion in the group which is just too personal to be discussed wide open. Months earlier I also have left our local neighbourhood WhatsApp because I got offended by some remarks. I supposed I could have just muted the group. In FB, I tend to unfollow a person because most of the person's posts tend to be insulting and offensive. I think we don't need this kind of posts to get on with life; what more if you prefer a peaceful life. We are already overloaded with unnecessary information and we get them directly on our social media walls and to our phones. So deleting or ignoring some of them may be beneficial. For those friends in these WhatsApp groups, my apologies and despite I'm not in these groups, I still value our good friendship.

My rule of thumb on social media is not to post or say things there what I would not dare say face-to-face out of respect or observing etiquette. At my worst, I will probably say something very general and not directed to any particular person or group of individuals, for the sake of drawing lessons. Even in posting such lessons, one needs to be careful because I have seen posts that show parts of documents that are supposed not to be revealed in public e.g. confidential reviews of papers. If there is a need to be specific, then paraphrasing would be better. However most posts on social media are simply rants (the urge of needing to be heard), and most rants just simply aggravate problems and not solve them. 

Just a few days ago, I read a tweet (or rather a tweet that a particular person liked) that I find so disturbing. The content of the tweet seem to have the effect of treating others being less human, something that I could not ever tolerate. How on earth they could feel that way? Even with all the dislikes one can have, the common thread of humanity should never be given up. Finally I had to unfollow the person and I have lost my respect for that person. This is probably going to the extreme end.

The tweet reminded me of (almost) racial insinuations that I had to face in my pursuit of an intellectual life in theoretical physics. This perhaps had pushed me to struggle to understand more and more difficult topics, so that I can see myself to be a potential equivalent. The tweet prompted me to post this on FB: "I think we should get ourselves out from the stereotyping that we (race, region or whatever) can't do quantum sciences or other sciences that are perceived to be difficult. Some just need us to grow accustomed to and of course we need to do the hard work. The more we delay this, the harder for us to catch-up."

How a person treat others is one important factor that I looked into, in an individual. Some of my decisions in the past have taken these into account. A person who see more of his or her self and looked down on others is simply one that I will have less trust for. I would hope that such a person will not be appointed as leader, much due to the potential damage that the person could possibly do. Instead humbling lessons for the person would be better for his or her life as well as others. I have my own share of humbling lessons and I believe most conscientious people will also have. By having such lessons, one will grow to be a better person and hopefully will make this world a better one.

1442

We are now entering the new Hijri year of 1442. The Hijri calendar is a lunar based calendar which has 354 or 355 days subdivided into 12 months. The daily time division is almost universal following the motion of the sun (relative to earth) and is sexagesimal in nature that is pre-Islamic. However the interesting point, in Islamic culture, the day begins at dusk. So we have indeed arrived at 1442 hours ago (not at twelve midnight). I do not really know the origin of this adoption but it was mentioned in the book "The Day Begins at Sunset: Perceptions of Time in the Islamic World" by Barbara Freyer Stowasser, that it is probably pre-Islamic in origin. It mentioned that ancient Egypt begins the day at dawn while Babylonians begins the day at dusk. The adoption of midnight as the beginning of the day is by the Romans (that gave the Julius calendar) and finally now adopted by Coordinated Universal Time. The book also dwells on many other aspects of the Hijri calendar. The book also mentions the Malaysian astronomer-physicist Mohammad Ilyas (author of "Astronomy of Islamic Times for the Twenty-First Century") who initiated the International Islamic Calendar Program.

So tomorrow will be a public holiday. I will be spending quality time with the family as well as catching up with some tasks. Salam Maal Hijrah to everyone.

May Allah grant us His Blessings and ease our path in this life and in the hereafter; in particular, shield us from the current pandemic.

Lead and Be Led

Yesterday we were given the news that Prof. Mohd Roslan Sulaiman is appointed as the new Vice-Chancellor of UPM, beginning 1 September 2020 until 31 August 2023. 

He was our Deputy Vice-Chancellor of Student Affairs before this and had taken over the duties of the Vice-Chancellor since early July. It is good that this temporary period kept short to avoid uncertainties (recalling my own experience of carrying out the duties of the Director for almost a year but of course I had a relatively minor role). During my stint as Deputy Director of INSPEM, I haven't had the chance to be in smaller meetings with the then Deputy Vice-Chancellor like I do with the other Deputy Vice-Chancellors because of his portfolio. Hence, I do not know him well. I only had one brief meeting with him at the end of last month. In any case, I hope UPM will grow further under him. Congratulations and all the best.

Having held an administrative position, I know how difficult to balance the various responsibilities one need to handle. Handling a bigger entity (the whole university) will of course be much more challenging. One of my own (minor) experience is trying to balance the wants of the upper management and the wants of the members of the institute. Some can be reconciled but others remained challenging. And often one gets criticisms from both sides. Having left my admin position was a great relief for me and now I just need to answer to my most immediate boss, the Head of Department and express our wishes (especially for the growth of our science) to the person. As a person who leads, it is sometimes easy to perceive someone else's wishes as mere complains, causing one's own restlessness and inconvenience. But perhaps lesser realised is that the wishes of those up in the hierarchy can also be perceived as complains by those below. So there ought to be a balance, a stance that opens to reasoning since our organization is not that of military-oriented one (where safety or time-criticality is of essence). There are places that we need to be led by those up in the hierarchy and there are places where individuals themselves lead. I remembered once somebody made this remark to me saying something like, sometimes one needs to be a boss instead of a leader. I perhaps have neither qualities. But as mentioned earlier, we are not in a military-like organization but an organization that thrives on creativity and academic ideals, one that stands on reasons. Some may say that I'm stuck with the old school of university concept and should be more critical on what has been practiced in the past. Universities now need to be more adaptable to arising challenges and one can see worldwide that universities are acting more and more like corporations. Thus, I would also invite the same level of criticality to question the changes made to our university environment. In this regard, the following news item caught my eye: "‘Universities are not corporations’: 600 Australian academics call for change to uni governance structures". Dare we do the same?

Anyway on leadership, I tend to like what Simon Sinek has been saying (see e.g. https://www.facebook.com/simonsinek/videos/359211858400289/). Also on treating changes, I've been following what Dave Snowden has been doing with respect to what systems are we looking at. It is high time that we make our organization more human and less that of workers as mere cogs in the machine. For a recent interview with Dave Snowden, see the following:

Books Galore

In my last post, I mentioned the fact that I found some old books of mine during the department's spring cleaning. I have actually accumulated a lot of books over the years, most of which bought during my PhD years and the subsequent years after that. As my financial commitment grew (with family and properties), I bought less and less books. I can't even remember the last book(s) I have bought; they are probably Bob's book with Aleks Kissinger, "Picturing Quantum Processes", d'Ariano's book with Chiribella and Perinotti, "Quantum Theory From First Principles" and Wallach's "Geometric Invariant Theory". 

I found some pics of my books taken in 1992 at my old office in Physics Department. Prior to that, I was in Bintulu campus, teaching physics foundation courses. I was send there immediately after returning from my PhD studies. I remembered feeling sore about it particularly when we were in grief after my father passed away just a day after reaching home from UK. Anyway, did bring some books to Bintulu and back (probably some even got lost then). The pics are shown below.

In the above pic, you can see my old 386 PC which I bought. I had little exposure to PCs before that and you can see the computer books that I bought on the lower shelf just to get me going.

The above is a closer shot. Just next to London Mathematical Society series of books (greenish blue in colour) are the light green MAAS Journal of Islamic Science which I have followed for awhile to see what was being discussed. Beyond that I have also subscribed Afkar Inquiry magazine to follow civilisational issues from Islamic perspectives. Both journals are now, sadly defunct. Before Afkar stopped publishing, I ordered  the bound copy of the older issues of the magazines before my subscription (see pic). I think I have lost my loose copies of the subscribed issues, probably somewhere in the theoretical physics room (now under someone else's care) in the old building. Besides this, I also used to subscribe The Muslim World Book Review, which is essentially books about books.

Below are the other pics showing my collection.

Here is me in 1992 in the old office.

Beyond the office, I tend to keep my religious books at home. Here is a snapshot of the books at 6th College where I used to be a fellow.

I will probably keep these books at least a few years after I retire and will probably let them go once I'm sure that I do not need them anymore.

Now somebody once mentioned to me that's instead of me reading more books, I should write at least one book. In fact, I did have a draft of my quantum mechanics lectures (see pic). It was written during the time when we were still teaching the courses in Malay. Indeed, the draft was actually sent to the university press for review, following the instruction of the dean at the time (Prof. Muhammad Awang). I did not get any feedback from the university press but I did get some comments personally from Prof. S.C. Lim (the reviewer). I wasn't actually happy with the book as it was sent in a rush (complying with dean's request). At some point, I did consider revising it, adding more examples and exercises plus even considered a second volume. Somehow this didn't happen; I have lost interest and particularly now that the course is conducted in English. Perhaps it is time for me to relook at my book writing as my younger colleagues have suggested. 

If I were to do so, I would probably want to include new materials considering the recent progress in quantum information and quantum foundations. The other factor to consider is to include an advanced portion of quantum many-body systems that may be useful to materials science. It should be tailored to our needs and interests, in the hope of that the book will differentiate itself from the numerous QM books in the market. So perhaps to end this post, I should ask the readers what they would like to see to be included in a new book of quantum mechanics. If you like, you can comment in the comment section below. 

Of Spaces and Images

Today, the department held a spring cleaning session for the rooms of retired staff along the corridor where I'm at. The others seem prepared for it; I was not - wore my favourite batik given to me by Prof. Zen. Did help out a little, carrying out books. I was a bit cautious since my back has yet to recover properly. Was told that these empty rooms will be taken over by the Chemistry Department since they have more academic staff than us in Physics. Indeed it is better to make use of the rooms rather than leaving them empty; all academics deserve a decent working space. This goes to students as well; one has to find a good enough working environment for them to do good work. Those who have labs tend to use the labs as workspaces for students. However, sometimes there may be not enough spaces for all students to be in the lab, then probably it is a good idea to make available some spaces for them. One also ought to be careful that there is no practice of expansionism regardless of needs. People always want more not less (being in admin, I have seen this happened). Then there was a question raised why do I have two offices along this corridor. Well, actually I have only one proper office, which is Room 221. However the air-conditioner in this room is no longer functioning. To this, my junior colleagues suggested that I should use Room 216 temporarily since its air-conditioning is still functioning. However if anyone is unhappy about this, I can always go back to my room 221 since I have already brought a fan there. 

One of the good things of doing spring cleaning is that sometimes we find treasures hidden away. In my case, I have found my lost books (shown below). The book by Arnold was really something that I have looked for all these years and I'm glad that I found them today. I almost bought another copy of this book since I wanted it badly. Another was Goldstein's Classical Mechanics - that stays missing.

I will be bringing these books back home. As well as my other books still left in Room 221. Most of my books are already at home as I have prepared for retirement for some time. But yet there are still plenty of things in Room 221. Will need time to clear them off. I overheard somebody making a remark that those who are retiring should make sure that the room left is really empty. Sure, God willing, will do that. Some of my things mainly my subscribed journals, I have already donated to the Theoretical Physics Laboratory - these include International Journal of Modern Physics A (was one of the early subscribers when it came out), Modern Physics Letter A, Reviews in Mathematical Physics (all these published by World Scientific) and also Journal of Geometry and Physics published by Elsevier. I hope that they will be put to good use by the group.

Talking about the Theory Lab, one of the students has put up a poster for our group. Since there is no 'launching' of the poster (I did ask Dr. Nurisya), I take the liberty of publicising them here first.

Initially they put my pic of me wearing the 'physics' orange shirt. This pic has been overused quite a lot. I jokingly said that any picture but that orange shirt; it looks like the shirt used for arrested people. One student suggested I should put up my present pic with my moustache and beard. Then I posted a Dr. Strange pic and hence this:

Well, no, I'm not that good looking. Here is what I looked like, my scruffy self. 

I can't help but remember how my picture was edited out from at least two pictures published in the university's media when I was over at INSPEM. I must have looked that bad. It's funny how some things like 'image' had so much influence in the academic world. Anyway, I'm not looking for popularity. People just need to accept what I am; I can't chameleonise into something else.

Blast From The Past: Daws Road

Have done my marking for one subject but yet to finish for another, the more challenging graduate course. So still not out of the woods yet despite my earlier thought that I would have time for myself by now. I was further constrained by my back pain. Every now and then, I have to lie on my back and twist my body to relieve the pain. Yesterday was pretty bad and I took pain killers. So, my struggle day to day. On the better days, I just need to maintain good posture and avoid straining my back in things that I do.

Yesterday, I got a nice surprise that my brother Nasaruddin shared an old document stored, I guess, in one of my late father's files. It was a school document telling us to get prepared for a medical examination for seven of us from SMSPP to go to Australia. The letter was dated 8 December 1979 and signed by the School Principal Mohd Arif. I remember vaguely having mixed feelings about this. After five years in boarding school, I will be away from my parents again for a couple of years in Adelaide, Australia. The only comfort was that there was another school mate, Shaiful Azman, assigned to the same place Adelaide. My step sister, Zaizah went to Perth. We attended Matriculation Course in high schools there. I was in Daws Road High School (now called Pasadena High) while Shaiful was in Norwood High.

My school mates over there in Daws Road are Suhaizan, Hamlussalam (housemates), Sabariah, Noormala and Salamah. Here's a picture of us arriving at Adelaide airport (me, not visible in the first photo - pics courtesy of Noormala).

A week after our arrival (I think), we were sent to an orientation camp in Clarendon. I remembered vaguely I just followed along particularly with our seniors who were there too (see pic). In a way, I had a bit of cultural shock then, like a fish out of water (rusa masuk kampung), particularly with my shy personality.

For matriculation, I remember chemistry and physics were relatively easier compared to mathematics since we had covered some of them for MCE (the last batch). Mathematics, we had to struggle a bit with regular homework sets given by our teacher Mr. Hilditch. Here is a picture of our class (can't remember what it is called).

I'm not sure about the others, I did not mix that well out of shyness. I do remember that my housemates were doing better. I remember Salam invited Tasso (an Australian Greek) to our home for Hari Raya and another Chinese whom I can't remember the name (see pic below - Salam just told me he is Eric but still can't place him). Our matriculation is pretty much hard life. Our scholarship quantum was small, and most of it went to the house rent. I remembered once there was this announcement made in the media that made us just about the poverty level in Australia. I also remembered once I used copper coins (one and two cents) to pay for our bus fare and got scolded by the bus driver cum conductor (see pic below, me with Shaiful at a bus stop). I kept my hair long partly due to money shortage.

During the school holidays, I remembered somebody (a Malay staying in Australia) hired us to pick garbage from some gardening or construction work at some place. I was then told not to come back the next day but housemates went on. Felt so humiliated then but I can't say much, perhaps being little, I was not performing as well as my house mates. So now, I can 'proudly' say that I'm not even good enough to be a garbage collector. Those were the hard times. Later, when we were doing Bachelors degree in University of Adelaide, I think they raised our scholarship allowances but still much of it was spent on rent. Will need another post to talk about the B,Sc. years. The pic below is me with Dato' Suhaizan (Che' Jan we called him then) in our backyard.

Despite the hard times, I certainly value the things we have learned and experienced. Particularly this period, first time abroad.

Writing It Good

Much of the weekend is spent on looking at the various students' scripts from the Assignments and Final Exams. I also spend time on writing back the solutions for the final exams in detail as we are asked to update our teaching files for auditing purposes. Some of these solutions are pretty much in my head or scribbled somewhere in loose sheets of paper written while I was preparing the exam questions. However I would like to put them neatly so that it can be referenced to later by the department or even by my own self (in such a way that I don't have to think about them twice). Here is an example.

Some might find this silly or time-wasting but I have been practicing this for a long time that it becomes a habit. It does indeed slows me down but I find it satisfying to see these solutions done neatly. In fact, if I have the time, I would have actually typed it out but I don't have the luxury at this stage.

To a certain degree, I tend to be perfectionist in my writing. Brooding much of the ideas before even writing anything down. The end results are usually good on average. I remember when I submitted my PhD thesis, the examiners (Chris Isham and David Fairlie) made the remark that my thesis was probably one of the few thesis written by an international student with very few mistakes. There were mistakes, of course, and I can remember them pointing out one as a classic one (I'm afraid I can't remember what it is now). Even as non-significant as my blog posts, I do tend to brood for a certain period before writing them down. So the blog posts that you see are not that spontaneous but of course I am less careful with blogs than say writing an official document. I would often revisit my blog posts to make corrections when I have time.

Perhaps because of this habit, I tend to be hard on my students when they write their papers or thesis. I remember when I wrote my first paper and send it to my supervisor (Richard Ward) to check, it came back almost everything in red. Now the practice of trying to be perfect makes even good sense when writing reports and minutes. Early in my career, I remember trying to correct how minutes of meeting being written but I was passed off being too pedantic and was getting on the nerves of someone senior. But now, I've seen how upper management members scrutinise write-ups made by Faculty members to the extent it somehow instill fear for those preparing it. When I first write a working paper for trying to bring international guests (prize winners) to UPM, they just dismissed it off as being sloppy. Of course, they did come in the end (after some wrestles and pushes). I was simply not trained then on how to write the working paper in a way that they wanted. After a while, I saw the pattern of documents they wanted; it is almost like preparing legal documents, which is fine generally (but I do feel content is much more valuable than the writing style and format). I also see the need of balance of producing good quality documents against time invested in producing them particularly if it only gets filed away for eternity.

Lately, I do sense some decline in the standards of writing from some documents that I have looked into; thesis, papers, proposals and even minutes of meeting. Is it due to all these messaging styles found in social media or people simply do not have the time to check their own writings? Sensing a degree of importance in these write-ups, before leaving the institute, I did ask my staff to try and follow the style of minutes written by the upper management for the institute's own good. With respect to scientific writings, I do expect lucid and straightforward writing styles from my students; not being too artistic or informal as it was a script in the Hollywood movies. When it comes to text with mathematical equations, I have always told my students that equations are to be treated as parts of sentences. The best way to know, is to read out the equations when incorporating them in the text and see whether it makes sense or not.

It does take practice to develop a good writing style. I learned a lot from reading books like Sir Ernest Gowers, "The Complete Plain Words" and Day & Gastel's "How to Write and Publish A Scientific Paper" (bought when I was still studying and bought the second time when I lost them). When I returned home and got involved with Publications Committee in ITMA and later in INSPEM, I bought books like the Chicago Manual and the CBE Manual. Finally I told my own students, do be careful on what you write as once it is published, it will be read by many and it will bear your name forever.

Thank God It's Friday

Thank God it's the weekend. Usually weekends give breathing space for us. Nevertheless, we still do work but at a more relaxed pace. Work of academics do not end with the end of office hours - they tend to think about science and education all day. In my case, I tend to work in the wee hours of the morning for me to focus better. The trick however is to get the balance of enough rest in order to drive to work safely.

Yesterday, was the final exam for PHY5601 Advanced Mathematical Physics. It was conducted as a take home exam where they can refer to any materials available. The only problem is how to ensure that they do not communicate with each other regarding the answers of the exam. But I trust my own students. Also, with the few number of students, one can easily check for any similarities. Perhaps next semester will be trickier, with a class of 40 for statistical mechanics; the size of the other class on Mathematical Methods is not yet known. I doubt we will be able to get back to normalcy within this year.

Being a Friday yesterday, I thought to myself that perhaps I won't be praying at the UPM mosque as I have not received any notification. Since I can't work from home anymore, I did not register myself for Seremban 2 mosque. Then suddenly I saw a list of names on FB that included my name. It was a nice surprise and luckily I brought my 'Friday prayer bag'. Then suddenly I paused, thinking there is another person in UPM with exactly the same name. Later at the mosque after checking with their master list (before entering the mosque), it was really me. I went very early to the mosque because I do not know what procedures they are implementing. Initially I parked my car nearby the student centre but over there all the entrances to the mosque are all locked. So one has to go through the main entrance and park within the mosque area. Luckily I was very early, there were empty parking spaces nearby the main entrance. So yesterday I had the opportunity to sit at the first few rows in the mosque but that also meant we were the last to leave as the mosque personnel control the movement of the congregation after the prayers. It was good work by them. Perhaps I will try again next week for Friday prayers in UPM, just to see whether they take into account who was in the previous Friday congregation or not.

Besides the exam and Friday prayers, I also met with two of my PhD students for their research progress. One physically, as he is a staff of UPM and the other virtually. I hope they are able to graduate soon within this year.

The other significant event yesterday was the return of Sally to her original owner as she missed Sally a lot, I was told. Here are some pics taken much earlier (with Bob's book nearby on my pile of papers) when I was told that she was to be returned.

I had grown closer to Sally for the last few months very much like Shaggy (who was her mum). So it is quite sad for me to see her go. I took a pic of her before I go to work.

I was not getting enough sleep the last few days during the week. In fact I was so sleepy during the drive back home and was trying hard not to micro sleep. There was one moment that I almost did but was conscious enough not to swerve. This is actually one of my reasons why that I had considered working from home as a good option for me - avoiding the long travel. I safely arrived home around 6.40pm. So, last night, I made sure I had a good sleep.

Minority Effort: Teaching Lesser Known Mathematical Physics

I have posted less and less in social media because I find many posts to be distracting, intrusive and sometimes annoying. Most posts are opinions that tend not to matter. So I'm taking lessons from these. I am limiting my posts there for information that are probably more useful to my group and friends and are also of immediate interest. If I post here, there is a high chance that it will not get read. The posts here are really for those who are really interested in what I personally think. If not, they won't probably reach here.

The last few days have been busy preparing solutions to mathematical physics problems that might help the students for their final. Since the course is an advanced course for graduates and most books do not have solutions to the problems in the books, I have to work them out on my own. Some of which I fumble as my students discovered (of course, rectifiable). One can try to search solutions online (if they are there) but even so, one still need to internalise them to one's own thought patterns. Otherwise, one would be parroting - have experienced these in my early teaching days and one felt dreadful.

When I first started planning for this course, I was discussing with Dr. Nurisya on what one should teach because one can approach mathematical physics in zillion of ways. One thing clear in my mind, was not to repeat much of what was taught in undergraduate mathematical physics. I have taught the subject twice (I think) years ago in two different styles - computational mode using Mathematica (one student made the remark right to my face, it was a waste of time), and another calculational mode involving non-theoretical students that had me repeat some undergraduate stuff (finally was given to a different lecturer). This time, I had the opportunity to start afresh with the students attending are theoretical students. The book adopted was Szekeres' book. Peter Szekeres was my lecturer in Adelaide, teaching relativity and differential geometry. The book started off with set theory all the way up putting more structures. 

The book had 19 chapters altogether. Of course, I could not teach the whole book in one single semester - it needs at least, two semesters. So, one needs to pick and choose. Dr. Nurisya wanted me to delve into Lie Groups ad Geometry. Nice idea and was hoping to do so. But the relevant chapters in Szekeres' book are Chapters 15-19, right at the end of the book. I had to improvise. I thought that I should teach relatively unfamiliar topics like throwing in logic with set theory, delve more into rings, integral domains and fields, take a swing at algebraic numbers and quadratic extensions, introducing less familiar language of rings and modules instead of vector spaces. The second last one, was something that I stumbled into when doing quantum theory on hyperbolic surfaces and more recently theoretical computer science and cryptography. Alas, I did not get into differential geometry; it was already too much. There was a cursory glance on Lie groups during topics of groups and algebras. So, it was not perfect. I offered myself to the students to teach (unofficially) further Lie groups and Lie algebras using William Goldman's lecture notes that ties up nicely with differential geometry (including hyperbolic geometry). Not sure whether they want it or not.

All the efforts above would not be visible for my annual assessment. No marks or recognition goes to the hard work of understanding and lecturing a difficult subject. No marks or recognition goes to unofficial teaching. Do I care? Well, no and yes. No, since my intent is to teach everything I know before I leave. Yes, if people start making a fuss over me being busy with 'unofficial' things that does not 'benefit' the department.

Here is something I felt all these years.

Credit to Duncan Sabien FB post from where I pinched this pic.

Monday Leave

Yesterday I took leave, initially because Ihsan was still with us at home and I just felt I need to spent more time with the whole family. It was also the final day of Tashriq and a school holiday. However, it turns out that my earlier back pain had prolonged and I spent most of the time in bed trying to relieve the pain. Sometimes I worry if someone thinks I'm faking it. Thus let me describe what I feel. On most days, I always have this sore around my right hip and my right leg slightly weakened. I can actually test it by how well my feet grip the slippers I'm wearing. In a bad episode, the soreness grew intense into pain to an extent I may feel pain even as I walk. The pain also goes down through my leg to the calf. Occasionally, I can feel sharp pain in the hips and the calf. In such period, I would normally ask from my other half for pain killers. Some pain killers have the drowsy effect on me and I will spent the day mostly resting. Sincerely, I would prefer to do work (particular at this time) rather than rest since too much rest has this lethargic effect.

By end of the day before my son leaves for work (night shift), we went out for early dinner before Maghrib (see pic).

Unfortunately, the service was poorer than usual, ended up me sharing the food with my other half. The rest of the evening was me trying to do some work mostly unsuccessfully.

Eidul Adha Weekend

My second son Ihsan was on duty during the Eidul-Adha Friday but he came back home on the Saturday night to be with us during the weekend. So we had the full family for this weekend until Monday late afternoon after which he will return back to work. So that Saturday night, we went out for dinner and we had fun. Here's a pic of ourselves comparing beard.

He was surprised that I had kept my moustache and beard when he saw me. It was just over a week old. I kept it mainly to remind me how old I am with white hair in my moustache and beard.

Earlier that morning, my other half went to her sister's place in Keramat with eldest Khair and youngest Izzuddin. I stayed home with my third son Izhar. I had many unfinished work to do but most of that day and today, I was reading MQA Programme Standards, a 115 page document in order for me to finish a report. With all due respect to those contributing to the document (which had a panel working on it and I guess they spent many man-hours producing the document), I must say that it is a chore for me to read the wordy document. I tend to skim most parts of the document particularly when I get the gist of what they are saying and paid attention to the information that I needed to use. Probably those who do research in education will enjoy the document better. In a way, I tend to read many management and self-help books in the same way, focusing on parts which are really relevant to me. I have better attention span when I read more technical books, with statements tend to be more strictly defined and more controlled use of imagination in the abstraction. I finally completed the report just this morning after which I took some time off to rest and to ease the back pain.

For tonight, we had a quiet dinner at home as my other half prepared curry mee with some new recipe she had. Tasty.

I have also received a surprise email tonight from a student of Ted Jacobson regarding the work of my first PhD student, Ahmed Bouketir. I guess there is interest in what we do here locally, after all.

Eid-ul-Adha 1441 and the Struggle

Yesterday we celebrated Eidul Adha, the 'Eid of Sacrifices (wanted to use 'sacrifice' as part of the title of this post but it's just too big and hence the use of struggle). We went to 'Eid prayers without breakfast (as opposed to Eidul Fithri) at Masjid Hussein nearby City Park, Seremban 2 (see pics).

Because of the adherence to SOPs, we had to be there early. The 'Eid was also on Friday for which we were back there by noon and this time we were surprised to be able to secure our place in the main hall. Somehow all the long seating there had me fidgeting as my back pain reappears. Back from the mosque, my other half had planned for some 'Eid visits to her sister's place and to my brother's place. Before the visit, had to go to the pharmacy, to buy some synflex tablets to help reduce the pain. Our 'Eid celebration was pretty modest but yet with good food on the table. My mind however was probably focused on my pain and of course all the unfinished work. By the time we got home, I was too exhausted and slept.

As I mentioned above, the 'Eid commemorates the sacrifices made by Prophets Ibrahim a.s. and Ismail a.s. Often we thought that we have done plenty of sacrifices but some of these should be revised as the Friday sermon reminded me. Sacrifice as understood, is letting go the things we value greatly for the benefits of others. Most of the time, we felt we struggle but it is for the eventual sake of our greater convenience. There are grey areas that we have to be aware of, a thing I have learned in my years as an administrator. I have seen others 'complaining' that they had made 'sacrifices' but were responding to their needs of greater convenience. I'm saying this, not to belittle anyone but I saw this in myself too. What was really there, was our struggle to feel self-worthy and the feeling of the need to improve. These are often prompted by criticisms by others. Very uncomfortable feelings.

Last Monday, I considered very seriously about early retirement because I'm physically and mentally tired. But as I asked my former PA over the institute, the process will take a year and when I calculated the possible date of early retirement, it would be slightly more than a year before the official retirement date. Then I hesitated but yet the thought lingers. These thoughts have been there lingering since a few years ago much prompted by difficulties in the working environment. I have been on the receiving end of harsh criticisms that only led me to the self-defense of my self-worthiness. Some of these words will forever be imprinted in my memories as they hurt me deeply. I can only find solace in my prayers as I struggle to realise what I want to see of myself when I leave. Indeed there are many things that I wanted to do in my line of work that are left unrealised. The only thing that I thought I have, to a certain degree, achieved is to establish a theoretical physics group. If there is a next thing I want to do is to ensure its sustainability and perhaps more ambitiously is that we are indeed internationally known for certain areas of work. Then only we can say we are respectably 'equals' internationally (even if not locally).

As I wrote somewhere that people celebrate achievements because of the benefits that come with them but very few celebrate the struggles that often built our character and tradition. I sincerely hope more of those in power will be in the latter. For now, we have to be extremely patient in what we do.

Old and New Norms

There are old norms and new norms but some norms are just equivalent, I posted somewhere. The new norms are mostly about social distancing (more accurately physical distancing) to prevent spread of Covid-19, which includes avoiding crowded places. At some stage this involves working from home when Movement Control Order (MCO) was in place. Presently, we are still in the Recovery Movement Control Order (RMCO) phase when certain economic sectors have been reopened. The educational sector (schools) has only reopened in phases very recently. My youngest has gone to school for about a month now waiting for his major public exam. For higher educational institutions, the last thing I've heard is that our teaching will still be conducted online until the end of year. There was an announcement that the universities might be reopened in October but no specific details yet.

For us 'workers', we have been asked to return to work in campus since 15 June. However, flexibility of working from home was given to the following:

• Those who have children below the age of 12 and disabled children that need to be looked after until all schools and childcare centres are reopened.
• Those who have health problems or chronic diseases that are considered to have high risk for Covid-19 infection certified by doctors.
• Specific cases as allowed by the head of department taking into account of job importance and safety.

I did apply for working from home (WFH) and have informed the Head of Department. There were verbal agreements that I can WFH provided I produce teaching modules. These teaching modules are extraneous matters on top of our existing duties and they actually take some time to do. I did give the teaching modules together with a weekly report in the beginning. As I had more tasks to do, I thought I should focus more on the urgent matters (particularly those involving students) and delayed my work on the teaching modules. Perhaps that was a mistake. Anyway, I was hoping that such new norms like working from home could be a new culture that organizations in Malaysia can start to adopt (requiring trust) as it makes more economic and environmental sense. For instance, once I invited Jiro Soda from Kobe University for EQuaLS4 and he mentioned that his university prefers their academics to work from home whenever possible as part of energy-savings strategy of the university. So I was putting high hopes for such flexibility in our workplace but I am mistaken. I will begin working in campus fully next week, which is no problem for me (will save on electricity bill too). My only worry is Friday since our mosques are not operating at full capacity due to social distancing measures. With the large pool of workers in the university and the surrounding community, I suspect that there will be difficulty in getting a place for Friday prayers (I remembered enquiring others where do we apply for this but there was slow response). This coming Friday is still okay since it is a public holiday but what about those Fridays after the Eid Friday. I hope some decision makers will put some thoughts into this. 

Anyway, I'm posting this because I wanted to point out that last Friday I was working from home and my visit to the workshop in Malacca was made known to the Head of Department. In fact, I did ask whether I should ask for leave to do this. So, it's not like I'm playing truancy and avoiding work (just in case some wondered why I was not 'working'). In fact that morning, I had a PhD student online appointment to discuss research progress (see pics below) and also was reading a MSc thesis draft.

I prayed Friday prayers last Friday at Masjid Hussain in Seremban 2 (see pic - during which I received a bunch of messages regarding work) and due to the SOP, we had to be early there.

Before that, I discussed with my other half on the worsening brake problems of my Malibu car. The local workshop can't fix it due to the sensors on the brakes and finally we made the appointment with an authorised workshop in Malacca to which we went to after the Friday prayers. We had to leave the car there as fixing the brakes require a longer time. It was only the next day that we could pick up the car. It costs me quite a bit and probably put some tight constraint on this month's budget. 

So back to old norm next week. I hope those in the management don't get the impression I'm the type of person that avoids work (of course I do however prefer certain types of work which relate directly to  my expertise). I'm very passionate of making theoretical physics a respectable discipline to action in our university (and no, I'm not looking for recognition - have been pursuing this since I came back from my PhD). My work from home request is much due to travelling to and fro to work from Seremban has indeed caused physical stress on my body and would prefer to use the travel time (which is roughly two hours) for something more useful and if I decided to work long hours during the night, it won't put me to unnecessary risk during my travel. In addition, I have brought all my books and papers home and by working from home, I will avoid bringing a lot of stuff to and fro. Well working I guess should not be to my own convenience and henceforth should not be for anyone's convenience. We all must suffer, right?

Sad and Bad Day

I return to blog here simply to express my views even if they are not listened to but that is fine. It goes to those who wish to understand me.

Yesterday we had our old cat Shaggy leaving us for good. She had been suffering from cancer with liver and kidney failures for a long time. In a way, I was glad that her suffering has now stopped. This cat had somewhat affected me more than usual that I run away yesterday from my family to shed some tears. When she was well, she was always in our room and slept there for the night. When I am praying, she usually come to my side and be with me. When her sickness got serious, I can't help admire how she fought it, trying to be alive, following us whenever she can but she will be avoiding us when she rests. At some point, when she spat out blood, I was thinking in my mind that she won't last long, but she kept being with us even months after that. How strong she was. The pic below is Shaggy with my other half during the time when she was still healthy.

Yesterday afternoon, we were at a workshop after Friday prayers. As soon as we came back, my other half noticed that she had already passed away. The picture below is taken by my son before we buried her in our backyard after Maghrib.

It will remind me of my own forthcoming death. She will be missed.

Yesterday was also a bad day for me. I was struggling with my duties but yet others seem to be not satisfied with my work thus far. Received messages while I was in a mosque reminding me of some unfinished work. At the same time, I was facing problems with my car brakes that I can no longer ignore and had decided to send it to an authorised workshop in Malacca (the nearest to our home in Seremban); the local workshop can't do the repair because the brakes have sensors. Even at the workshop, I was still reminded by others of some duties that I need to do. What a day it was. I left my car at the workshop and asked my son to pick us up.

I have been in administrative position before and I get it with respect to getting others to work and follow rules. I know the feeling of trying to help others but then getting our hands bitten. I know the need to be fair to all when we make decisions. But I also know the hurt it can bring and now I am on the receiving party. Despite all the above, my concern is always whether this is all fair. Sometimes we see others being treated differently and one just felt hurt. All these hurts leave scars for me to remember but I will wear them with dignity. I will go on with life as usual hoping to contribute wherever I can, particularly for science in the country.

Looking for brighter days ahead.