You Shouldn't Be Here

Not the cats, ... me. Be warned, this is a rant post but written just to remind ourselves that many times one should not be listening.

At school, having good grades in chemistry and did an act of turning off at the source as the gas was burning from the gas outlet in the chemistry lab, I was feeling good about these. Then a teacher came to me and said, "don't think that you are that good".

During my Bachelor degree, I had the intent of pusruing research in supergravity, then the lecturer who taught me general relativity told me that I don't have the personality to do that.

Before my pursuit of postgraduate degree, my mum, during the pilgrimage, an academic who was there told her that the theoretical physics degree I'm about to pursue is just too difficult particularly for a Malay.

After PhD, I was sent off to Bintulu campus to teach diploma subjects. I came back to the main campus only to be given the unwelcoming remark, "why are you here, you should be in Bintulu".

Brought over my lecturer from DAMTP, Cambridge and was told that this is my guest (not of the department's).

Tried to be active in a scientific NGO, only to be given the remark "they are only making use of you".

Taught most of the theoretical physics subjects, only to be given the frequent remark, "syok sendiri" (self-glorify?) and not very practical.

Tried to introduce more theoretical subjects but was reminded that who else in the department can teach these subjects. Designed even a Quantum Computing and Quantum Information at MSc level but it never got off.

After getting my associate proffesorship, someone said that I got it because I was close to the "boss".That was a turn-off and affect my way of thinking for pursuing a proffesorship.

I got my first taste of administration at ITMA as Head of Laboratory. I was told directly that it was a waste of resources and I was too junior to head a laboratory.

When the institutes had one cycle of restructuring and that the lab I'm heading was supposed to merge with a different instiute, someone told me that I was not wanted.

When I rise in rank in INSPEM, somebody told me that I was not 'stable' (I guess in a way of putting the brakes on), I was also told that the institute was meant for mathematicians, referring to I was from Physics Department (despite all my degrees are in Mathematical Physics from mathematical institutions). I carried out the responsibility of carryng out the duties of Director, in absence of an appointed Director, for almost two years.

A few students asked me why am I not a professor after all these years of service but one can get the picture why from the above. Also the goalposts kept changing with the last unwritten criteria of being a public figure. And when I considered applying, I was told that I should just submit and that eyes will be 'partially close' (implying I guess I'm not good enough). I did not submit any application.

Why am I bringing these all up now? I did not want to and I have accepted all that has happened as fate. But I wished people are kinder (people should hold their tongue more) and that my younger colleagues will never ever gave up advancing their carreer. To this day, I still kept my interest in theoretical physics (I have not given away all my papers and books).

Varia: Hospital In Our Midst and A Wedding

In one previous post, I have mentioned about the visible crane from a construxtion nearby our neighbourhood. Well that crane has grown taller. This is for the construction of a private hospital and I was told by my other half that the hospital will be eight storeys high. Hmm ... maybe I can get a part time job there (seriously, feeling rather useless here)? Soon (not sure when it is supposed to be completed), we will have one towering block overshadowing our neighbourhood. My other half was saying probably people in the uppermost floors of the hospital will be able to view our house directly. Already neighbours nearer to the hospital are concerned about privacy and were thinking of getting taller plants to help block direct views to our rooms.

Yesterday, I went to a wedding in Laman Puteh Dlia Jane nearby Aeon here. It was the wedding of the two sons of my former house mate (Ahmad Suhaimi) in Adelaide. Wasn't sure how long we were in that house but I know that it was at the end of my B.Sc. (Hons.) (probably the Honours year). Not having my previous house-mates as they went to different houses, I stayed with my juniors.

Here we are with former housemates helping us move.

and some musical explorations there.

The pics from the wedding (and how we look like after all those years):

Murky Techies

So the issue raised in the last post seems to get the attention of many (including those who made decisions), some are more knowledgeable than I can be, so I don't have to say anything much. For me, it is not about who they are, what race or creed they are or have. It is about what they do or what is intended (which is murkier because we are not psychic or a mystic accessing secrets of the heart), that's why I used the word fasadists as those who are doing faaad (which is bad). The word was inspired by aa thr more popular jihadists derived from jihad (which may not be bad as it sounds).

Yesterday, something happened to my social media account after I posted this journal reference and in the comment I put up the link to the Network State book. I was unable to access my account on the laptop though I can accessed it through my mobile phone.

Kind enough, they allow my access later on. So, thanks. Again, for me, my post is mainly educational and for more awareness. On this, I have another link for those who are interested; it is a video that I have listened to, unlike the article or even book which I have not read (got more relevant materials for me to read). I should go back to physics and to my other half suggestion, things that could save me in the next life.

Yesterday, we have send back our youngest to college, so that he can focus more on his studies. Gave him a little pocket money and told him that I will bank in more once I got my pension pay. We stopped by at Ayer Keroh for us to get lunch (it was raining heavily) so that we could head home once we left him at the college (to avoid the massive jam).

Another possible leakage coming up: the car that my eldest son is using seems to heat up pretty fast; we suspected radiator leaking. We have to check this on another day.

Mid July Varia

I was told by my younger colleague that IFM is organizing another international event this November in Kuching. Interested? Well, the interest is always there despite my retirement. However I will be in Kuching end of next month to attend a wedding. Tickets and lodging have been bought/booked, partially supported by my sons. Despite the support, there will always be extra costs associated to travelling. This will trigger another ontok-ontok phase given my tight budget. So I just can't afford to make another trip to Kuching a few months after. 

With the war intensifying in the middle east, the future seems rather bleak. It is rather surprising (and frustrating) that most of us here went on with our lives as usual despite the economy will get worse with these developments. This is mainly because that we are cushioned by the subsidies made by the government but I don't think the country could afford them for too long. The local chatter tend to be more on local politics with a lot of bickering, which is really annoying. If one is not careful, one could become pawns to the fasadists. One should be worried about how the fasadists are spreading their tentacles in this region (not just our country) and one recent news should have us to be more cautious on these developments. I know that some joked about our concern for sovereignty over technology adoption but choices are available and things are not so black and white.

While things are rather on the downside, one has to keep working to keep ourselves sane. In a rather slow progress, I'm still trying to finish reading Denbigh & Denbigh's book (see here) together with related articles. I do make notes on such readings and I do them twice; in pencil for the first 'draft' and then rewrite them clearly with a pen. Very much like my student days.

This note taking really slows significantly my reading but I wanted to digest the materials properly. I have resisted using an AI tool for the moment because I find reading AI summaries rather fleeting. I have yet to find how best but yet organic way of working with AI.

Now what is the point of all these? My other half has asked me several times and reminded that I am already retired. I sincerely do not know why I keep doing all these apart from just satisfying my curiosity and desire to be knowledgeable. Perhaps everything will just go to the grave with me ... 

I have just received the news of another physics staff passed away yesterday. May Allah forgive him and grant him jannah.

Study Week and Mum's Memorial Day

Today, we went to UiTM Jasin to pick up our youngest son for his study week leave. I had to wait for my other half to come back from work. Another reason why we need to send our Malibu car for service two days ago. So far, my other half uses the Malibu to travel while her own car (Toyotta Vios) is used by my eldest son. In a way, it is good for me not to work any more given the present arrangement. We do have the car that was used by my eldest son (Chevrolet Aveo) but the car is pretty old but it can be used for short distances. Hopefully when my youngest son gets a job, the car can still be used for his purpose. As for me, I will be staying home mostly and given my bad back, it is preferred that I don't drive too much.

As we reached the UiTM campus in late afternoon, my son's friends helped him carry his things to the car. In the photo below, from left to right, is my youngest son Izzuddin, Nasrul (his room-mate) and Shahrul (his course-mate).

On the way home, we stopped at Ayer Keroh RnR to get some lunch for my son and my other half.

Back at home, in the evening, my elder brother reminded us that today's date was the day my late mum took her last breath 17 years ago at 9.01pm. May All grant His Forgiveness and Blessings on her soul and that we will be able to meet her in Jannah. Below is her last photo that we had.

Al-Fatihah.

Words and More Words

Sometime in the week that has passed, someone I "know" posted something commenting on another person's post in a rather humiliating way. It was rather unbecoming of the person whom I thought was an "intellectual". It brought to my mind, a remark made by Mufti Menk, when one reads a posting that seems to affect oneelf, always remind oneelf that the posting made has nothing to do with oneself. These words don't really mean anything (as is sung by this talented singer in this video). Indeed the danger of the social media allowing anyone to write anything (rresponsibly) that eventually only lends harm to one own self. I do get it that sometimes people would like to vent off their anger, frustrations or whatever on social media but the social media has transformed itself to something 'ugly'. It is not a platform that connects "friends"; the so-called friends could be enemies in disguise or simply persons who would like to take advantage of persons on the platform. Lately, I have refrained myself from posting too much unless I'm sure that I am relaying useful information often to targeted community or individuals. I rather post here whose contents are not being pushed to someone' face unless they are looking for them.

Now for some trivialities of life (get ready to be bored):

The past two days, our house was without the cooking gas and we had to get meals from outside which are more expensive. Normally, we can called up the gas supplier and had them delivered to our house. Also we normally have two gas cylinders; one in use and the other as a spare. Apparently on Thursday night, we had used up our spare and the gas supplier normally don't do deliveries in late evening. We requested the supplier to send us two cylinders the next day but apparently they did not. In my mind I entertained the possibility of shortages due to the war but that is just being alarmist. It was only at noon today that they delivered the needed two cylinders.

More leakage. Lately my other half complained that our black Malibu was making noises whenever tha car is turning. So today we had it serviced at a local service station and complained about the problem. Immediately, the foreman recognised as an oil leakage in the tie rod for the power steering. So on top of the normal service, we had the oil for the power steering being topped up. As a result, my wallet has experienced more leaking,The foreman had (correctly) mentioned that this is normal that is older than 10 years. I remembered that we bought this in March 2015.

More learning: Watch this from Blogging Theology after doing the service. Yesterday, I watched this video of Emad Mostaque. More words ...

Weekend Varia: Wedding and Cikgu Ramli

While the social media is rife with political campaign with the forthcoming state elections, I tend to ignore them as much as the islamophobic postings that has invaded my wall over several weeks. I wonder how the algorithm decided that my wall is targetted and how much do they get paid for such postings. In any case, I will just read what I want.

It has been pretty uneventful week for me (another ontok-ontok period for me). I accompanied my other half to the fruit orchard in Mantin to buy more mangosteens for my eldest son to give away at his workplace. 

The weekend had one wedding we attended over in Senawang.

Early Monday morning, received the news that Cikgu Ramli passed away while he was readmitted to the hospital after having a surgery. May Allah forgive him and grant him jannah.

Cikgu Ramli was a teacher who took up my Quantum Mechanics for his undergraduate degree, earlier in my teaching carreer (was still figuring what was best for students and in particular the handful of teachers that we had at the time - may Allah forgive my shortcomings). The last time I me hm face-to-face was during my trip to Terengganu;it was brief but enough to chat about what we have been doing since he graduated.

Life is so fragile.