You Shouldn't Be Here

Not the cats, ... me. Be warned, this is a rant post but written just to remind ourselves that many times one should not be listening.

At school, having good grades in chemistry and did an act of turning off at the source as the gas was burning from the gas outlet in the chemistry lab, I was feeling good about these. Then a teacher came to me and said, "don't think that you are that good".

During my Bachelor degree, I had the intent of pusruing research in supergravity, then the lecturer who taught me general relativity told me that I don't have the personality to do that.

Before my pursuit of postgraduate degree, my mum, during the pilgrimage, an academic who was there told her that the theoretical physics degree I'm about to pursue is just too difficult particularly for a Malay.

After PhD, I was sent off to Bintulu campus to teach diploma subjects. I came back to the main campus only to be given the unwelcoming remark, "why are you here, you should be in Bintulu".

Brought over my lecturer from DAMTP, Cambridge and was told that this is my guest (not of the department's).

Tried to be active in a scientific NGO, only to be given the remark "they are only making use of you".

Taught most of the theoretical physics subjects, only to be given the frequent remark, "syok sendiri" (self-glorify?) and not very practical.

Tried to introduce more theoretical subjects but was reminded that who else in the department can teach these subjects. Designed even a Quantum Computing and Quantum Information at MSc level but it never got off.

After getting my associate proffesorship, someone said that I got it because I was close to the "boss".That was a turn-off and affect my way of thinking for pursuing a proffesorship.

I got my first taste of administration at ITMA as Head of Laboratory. I was told directly that it was a waste of resources and I was too junior to head a laboratory.

When the institutes had one cycle of restructuring and that the lab I'm heading was supposed to merge with a different instiute, someone told me that I was not wanted.

When I rise in rank in INSPEM, somebody told me that I was not 'stable' (I guess in a way of putting the brakes on), I was also told that the institute was meant for mathematicians, referring to I was from Physics Department (despite all my degrees are in Mathematical Physics from mathematical institutions). I carried out the responsibility of carryng out the duties of Director, in absence of an appointed Director, for almost two years.

A few students asked me why am I not a professor after all these years of service but one can get the picture why from the above. Also the goalposts kept changing with the last unwritten criteria of being a public figure. And when I considered applying, I was told that I should just submit and that eyes will be 'partially close' (implying I guess I'm not good enough). I did not submit any application.

Why am I bringing these all up now? I did not want to and I have accepted all that has happened as fate. But I wished people are kinder (people should hold their tongue more) and that my younger colleagues will never ever gave up advancing their carreer. To this day, I still kept my interest in theoretical physics (I have not given away all my papers and books).

Varia: Hospital In Our Midst and A Wedding

In one previous post, I have mentioned about the visible crane from a construxtion nearby our neighbourhood. Well that crane has grown taller. This is for the construction of a private hospital and I was told by my other half that the hospital will be eight storeys high. Hmm ... maybe I can get a part time job there (seriously, feeling rather useless here)? Soon (not sure when it is supposed to be completed), we will have one towering block overshadowing our neighbourhood. My other half was saying probably people in the uppermost floors of the hospital will be able to view our house directly. Already neighbours nearer to the hospital are concerned about privacy and were thinking of getting taller plants to help block direct views to our rooms.

Yesterday, I went to a wedding in Laman Puteh Dlia Jane nearby Aeon here. It was the wedding of the two sons of my former house mate (Ahmad Suhaimi) in Adelaide. Wasn't sure how long we were in that house but I know that it was at the end of my B.Sc. (Hons.) (probably the Honours year). Not having my previous house-mates as they went to different houses, I stayed with my juniors.

Here we are with former housemates helping us move.

and some musical explorations there.

The pics from the wedding (and how we look like after all those years):

Murky Techies

So the issue raised in the last post seems to get the attention of many (including those who made decisions), some are more knowledgeable than I can be, so I don't have to say anything much. For me, it is not about who they are, what race or creed they are or have. It is about what they do or what is intended (which is murkier because we are not psychic or a mystic accessing secrets of the heart), that's why I used the word fasadists as those who are doing faaad (which is bad). The word was inspired by aa thr more popular jihadists derived from jihad (which may not be bad as it sounds).

Yesterday, something happened to my social media account after I posted this journal reference and in the comment I put up the link to the Network State book. I was unable to access my account on the laptop though I can accessed it through my mobile phone.

Kind enough, they allow my access later on. So, thanks. Again, for me, my post is mainly educational and for more awareness. On this, I have another link for those who are interested; it is a video that I have listened to, unlike the article or even book which I have not read (got more relevant materials for me to read). I should go back to physics and to my other half suggestion, things that could save me in the next life.

Yesterday, we have send back our youngest to college, so that he can focus more on his studies. Gave him a little pocket money and told him that I will bank in more once I got my pension pay. We stopped by at Ayer Keroh for us to get lunch (it was raining heavily) so that we could head home once we left him at the college (to avoid the massive jam).

Another possible leakage coming up: the car that my eldest son is using seems to heat up pretty fast; we suspected radiator leaking. We have to check this on another day.

Mid July Varia

I was told by my younger colleague that IFM is organizing another international event this November in Kuching. Interested? Well, the interest is always there despite my retirement. However I will be in Kuching end of next month to attend a wedding. Tickets and lodging have been bought/booked, partially supported by my sons. Despite the support, there will always be extra costs associated to travelling. This will trigger another ontok-ontok phase given my tight budget. So I just can't afford to make another trip to Kuching a few months after. 

With the war intensifying in the middle east, the future seems rather bleak. It is rather surprising (and frustrating) that most of us here went on with our lives as usual despite the economy will get worse with these developments. This is mainly because that we are cushioned by the subsidies made by the government but I don't think the country could afford them for too long. The local chatter tend to be more on local politics with a lot of bickering, which is really annoying. If one is not careful, one could become pawns to the fasadists. One should be worried about how the fasadists are spreading their tentacles in this region (not just our country) and one recent news should have us to be more cautious on these developments. I know that some joked about our concern for sovereignty over technology adoption but choices are available and things are not so black and white.

While things are rather on the downside, one has to keep working to keep ourselves sane. In a rather slow progress, I'm still trying to finish reading Denbigh & Denbigh's book (see here) together with related articles. I do make notes on such readings and I do them twice; in pencil for the first 'draft' and then rewrite them clearly with a pen. Very much like my student days.

This note taking really slows significantly my reading but I wanted to digest the materials properly. I have resisted using an AI tool for the moment because I find reading AI summaries rather fleeting. I have yet to find how best but yet organic way of working with AI.

Now what is the point of all these? My other half has asked me several times and reminded that I am already retired. I sincerely do not know why I keep doing all these apart from just satisfying my curiosity and desire to be knowledgeable. Perhaps everything will just go to the grave with me ... 

I have just received the news of another physics staff passed away yesterday. May Allah forgive him and grant him jannah.

Study Week and Mum's Memorial Day

Today, we went to UiTM Jasin to pick up our youngest son for his study week leave. I had to wait for my other half to come back from work. Another reason why we need to send our Malibu car for service two days ago. So far, my other half uses the Malibu to travel while her own car (Toyotta Vios) is used by my eldest son. In a way, it is good for me not to work any more given the present arrangement. We do have the car that was used by my eldest son (Chevrolet Aveo) but the car is pretty old but it can be used for short distances. Hopefully when my youngest son gets a job, the car can still be used for his purpose. As for me, I will be staying home mostly and given my bad back, it is preferred that I don't drive too much.

As we reached the UiTM campus in late afternoon, my son's friends helped him carry his things to the car. In the photo below, from left to right, is my youngest son Izzuddin, Nasrul (his room-mate) and Shahrul (his course-mate).

On the way home, we stopped at Ayer Keroh RnR to get some lunch for my son and my other half.

Back at home, in the evening, my elder brother reminded us that today's date was the day my late mum took her last breath 17 years ago at 9.01pm. May All grant His Forgiveness and Blessings on her soul and that we will be able to meet her in Jannah. Below is her last photo that we had.

Al-Fatihah.

Words and More Words

Sometime in the week that has passed, someone I "know" posted something commenting on another person's post in a rather humiliating way. It was rather unbecoming of the person whom I thought was an "intellectual". It brought to my mind, a remark made by Mufti Menk, when one reads a posting that seems to affect oneelf, always remind oneelf that the posting made has nothing to do with oneself. These words don't really mean anything (as is sung by this talented singer in this video). Indeed the danger of the social media allowing anyone to write anything (rresponsibly) that eventually only lends harm to one own self. I do get it that sometimes people would like to vent off their anger, frustrations or whatever on social media but the social media has transformed itself to something 'ugly'. It is not a platform that connects "friends"; the so-called friends could be enemies in disguise or simply persons who would like to take advantage of persons on the platform. Lately, I have refrained myself from posting too much unless I'm sure that I am relaying useful information often to targeted community or individuals. I rather post here whose contents are not being pushed to someone' face unless they are looking for them.

Now for some trivialities of life (get ready to be bored):

The past two days, our house was without the cooking gas and we had to get meals from outside which are more expensive. Normally, we can called up the gas supplier and had them delivered to our house. Also we normally have two gas cylinders; one in use and the other as a spare. Apparently on Thursday night, we had used up our spare and the gas supplier normally don't do deliveries in late evening. We requested the supplier to send us two cylinders the next day but apparently they did not. In my mind I entertained the possibility of shortages due to the war but that is just being alarmist. It was only at noon today that they delivered the needed two cylinders.

More leakage. Lately my other half complained that our black Malibu was making noises whenever tha car is turning. So today we had it serviced at a local service station and complained about the problem. Immediately, the foreman recognised as an oil leakage in the tie rod for the power steering. So on top of the normal service, we had the oil for the power steering being topped up. As a result, my wallet has experienced more leaking,The foreman had (correctly) mentioned that this is normal that is older than 10 years. I remembered that we bought this in March 2015.

More learning: Watch this from Blogging Theology after doing the service. Yesterday, I watched this video of Emad Mostaque. More words ...

Weekend Varia: Wedding and Cikgu Ramli

While the social media is rife with political campaign with the forthcoming state elections, I tend to ignore them as much as the islamophobic postings that has invaded my wall over several weeks. I wonder how the algorithm decided that my wall is targetted and how much do they get paid for such postings. In any case, I will just read what I want.

It has been pretty uneventful week for me (another ontok-ontok period for me). I accompanied my other half to the fruit orchard in Mantin to buy more mangosteens for my eldest son to give away at his workplace. 

The weekend had one wedding we attended over in Senawang.

Early Monday morning, received the news that Cikgu Ramli passed away while he was readmitted to the hospital after having a surgery. May Allah forgive him and grant him jannah.

Cikgu Ramli was a teacher who took up my Quantum Mechanics for his undergraduate degree, earlier in my teaching carreer (was still figuring what was best for students and in particular the handful of teachers that we had at the time - may Allah forgive my shortcomings). The last time I me hm face-to-face was during my trip to Terengganu;it was brief but enough to chat about what we have been doing since he graduated.

Life is so fragile.

Already in the Second Half of the Year?

Time flies and time waits for no one. We are now in the second half of the year. What happenned to the first half? Not much has changed. There seem to be no end to the war and the fasadists went ahead with their evil schemings with no shame but many have woken up. Personal front, I felt I have been wasting too much time and right now, I'm feeling particularly useless. My other half will work more hours in some clinics and thus helping us with additional income. Few days ago, on the way back home, she managed to buy some local fruits from a fruit orchard in Mantin.

Yesterday, she brought us out for lunch at a new eatery in Ikon S2 called A Decade; we had never been to this place before as it looked a bit posh. The food was good though pricey.

On science, I have been looking up the many references mentioned in Fuchs' Notes On A Paulian Idea. Sad to say that most of the references that were in conference proceeding are just not accessible. Conferences are where new ideas tend to germinate and we tend to get the back story of how ideas evolved. It is sad that today's conferences tend to be more business-like with the conference output are being marketed as possible publications in journals. This also leads to predatory conferences. I supposed the good side of it is that conference materials are now made more accessible through the journals and conference proceedings, which are usually bought by libraries and not individual may become things of the past. During my early career year, I do buy conference proceedings published by World Scientific and I still have them with me. Below is one of the earliest proceedings that I bought from them. I bought it because it was one of my main references for my Honours thesis on Minimal SU(5) GUT, Modifications and Related Topics.

I have also started back my random note taking from papers and books. In the past, I used to called them Rawangan (not knowing whether there is a word for this), which I thought was nice because it rhymes with Ruangan that referes to space or column (usually in a newspaper or magazine). But then Gemini gave me this:

Right now, I'm making notes from the following book by Denbigh & Denbigh as I wanted to know more the objective versus subjective debate. This coincides nicely with the reading materials from Chris Fuchs' Notes on A Paulian Idea. 

Hopefully I can convert some of these Rawangan notes into blog entries elsewhere. I pray that I have the stamina to do this.

Day of Ashura Varia

As stated in my last post, the month of Muharram marks the first month of the Hijri calendar and it is considered as a sacred month. Within this month, an important day is the day of Ashura. Muslima are encouraged to perform more prayers, dzikr, good deeds and in particular fasting is recommended (but not obligatory). Thus, I decided to fast today. It is also known that fasting on this day is also observed by the followers of the Jewish faith but the Prophet Muhammad pbuh mentioned that we are closer to the Prophet Moses (pbuh) and rightfully best to observe the fasting (see here). However, there is a general 'rule' that Muslims should not follow closely followers of other faiths (see here). To this, Muslims thus are also recommended to also fast on the day before, the Day of Tasu'a, or the day after. I did try to fast on the day before but I broke my fast due to an episode of heartburn. Let's see if I can fast also tomorrow.

Something that I have learned over the week (from a Muslim podcast) on how the Islamic faith is different from the other two Abrahamic faiths is that we refrain from deification of man (common knowledge) but also the other direction i.e. anthropomorphize God particularly in a belittling way (this was new to me). For instance, the act of 'debating' with God or even finding loopholes within the Laws of God (as if God is not Omniscient, not knowing one's intents). I'm putting this down as I like to note down things that I've learned anew. Again, I have no intention of going down the path of comparative religion at this very late age but learning enough for my mere understanding and comprehension of affairs of the world. For this reason too, I have followed less Jiang's speculations these days as I think I have understood his major ideas, unless his commentaries on current events or he puts forward a fresh new idea/direction. 

Today, I was surprised to find a 'new' video of Julian Dorey with Bassem Youssef. On watching it, I realized that it was a condensed version of a longer video that has appeared before. I do recommend people to watch it (the shorter one, if you like). I still can't place Bassem's face as a cadriologist since I first knew him as a comedian. When I first watched it (with the longer video), I could not really imagined the brave transition being made by him, from a cardiologist to a comedian. Would I be able to make such a huge transition?

Currently, I was fantasizing myself to be a content creator with the wish of making a side income. A transition from a (retired) academic to a content creator? Despite that I have a YouTube channel (dormant), I don't see myself too much of a person appearing on videos since I don't talk as well as I write (I think). I also have my own website domain (paid) and blogs but I have not put much content in it since it takes a lot of work. One other fear is that one begins to publish content that has less meaning, new content for content sake (unfortunately, I saw much of these) and only serves me negatively in the hereafter. So, still fantasizing ...

Varia: 1448 First Post

Let me begin this post about Father's Day which was celebrated yesterday. My personal observation is that it is less 'celebrated' than Mothers Day. Not sure what the reason is; perhaps a father is less detached to the family and more commonly have an outward role. Anyway,within the Prophetic tradition, we are expected to show love and honour to the mother more than the father (see here). But for yesterday, I was trying to recollect memories of my father. It is sad to think that  have not spent much time with him since much part of my life was not at home, studying at a boarding school and went abroad for tertiary studies. May Allah grant him blessings for all his sacrifices.

We had a brief period of having the whole family in the house for the last few days. Ihsan came back homr from JB on Wedneday. On Friday, we went to pick-up our youngest Izzuddin from UiTM Jassin to spend the weekend with us. Yesterday, they send Izzuddin back to the college; I stayed home since I was not feeling well. Below is a pic of Izzuddin and his brothers having lunch before sending him back.

On the scientific front, I'm happy to inform the publication of my former PhD student Mohammed. He told me that this is the final result (which is related to the previous result). I hope that he will continue to be active in reseach. As for me, I still continue to read on quantum stuff.

Just yesterday, I have finished reading Chris Fuchs' "Notes on a Paulian Idea" (the older version), which I had prnted out and stacked it on my reading pile. It was interesting to see all his (courageous) correspondences with luminaries and to put in peespective, he had only finished PhD (see here). The emails are informal but in some places, are very detailed - commenting even on commas, particular usage of words. It made me recall some memories I had when I was put in charge of publications for ITMA where I insisted on looking at the documents to be conformed with some standards. One staff even made the remark that I was pedantic to the point of insisting that there should be spaces after full stops, and commas inserted as pauses/breaks of long sentences. At the time I had already bought the Chicago Manual and the CBE Manual, to help me with my publishing committee tasks. I remembered in one instance of brainstorming workshop, I put forward the idea of our own manual style to which I was laughed at. One of the things that I had in mind was a standard for Asian names, some don't have surnames and some ordered the surname differently (like in Chinese names). I guess there was no real urgency in that.

Back to Fuchs' notes; the interesting correspondences that I find interesting is with his collaborators Caves, Peres, Schack, and also Mermin. It took me a longer read to understand what are they discussing. One provocative title forwarded in the notes is that 'Quantum States Do Not Exist'. Indeed the idea of a state is purely our construction to describe the systems under study and that it is almost always fashioned by the adopted dynamical equation. The other idea is the disturbance introduced in measurments/observations. The other thing I observe in his notes is the creativity and freedom of discussing ideas but yet grounded in mathematics. These are things that I wish to inculcate more in our local group (doing a Gelfand for a critical mindset), less gossipy and annoying politics. Another is the inhibitions that we have (inferiority complex? superiority complex on the other side? arrogance?), in contrast with their cavalier (but yet respectful) correspondences. Anyway, I do recommend people to look at the (serious) discussion in these notes.

Goodbye 1447

By dusk, we will be welcoming the new Hijri year 1448. Presently, I'm recollecting memories of the family of my siblings (including my own). I have essentially observed that over the years that most of us are very quiet in nature, less vocal in many circumstances and that we tend to favour the side of our spouses as a result. Is this a weakness or strength? The ideal is always to be fair but being human there will always be weakness. Why do I bring this up when all of us are in the twillight years? The least is that our children may pick lessons from what we have gone through.

So before I leave planet earth, I may want to reveal some guilt I had kept with me all these years. I was due to travel to Lexington, Kentucky for a conference in mid July 2009. Sometime before that, I had my musician brother and my late mum staying with us. Mum has been in and out of the hospital during that period. But since I was about to be absent for a week for the conference, my other half told me that she was uncomfortable having my brother when I'm away (despite that my mum is around). So I asked my brother to leave temporarily just before my trip to the States and he did. Little did I know, that mum passed away on 13 July 2009 and my brother could not be around in her final hours. There was certainly a guilty feeling within me and I'm not sure if he will ever forgive me. I can sense a strained relation thereafter. May Allah forgive us and pray that we will be united with mum (and dad) in jannah.

I do not know what will our future be like. Just last week, I was notified by the university hospital that they cancel my request for an appointment (after a doctor in PKU recommended me to go there) since they can't produce a referral letter to IJN as they do not have a cardiologist (they need such letter from a public hospital; I already have a referral letter from a cardiologist in a private hospital). So for now, I will not take further action for the IJN visit and may Allah keep me healthy. So, it is in this view that I pray to Allah that I will make the best decision regarding my brother, acceptable to both my other half and sons, and my brothers and sister.

Searing Words

I need to get something off my chest. In the past, Sometimes people say very unkind words that seared deeply into my brain and heart. One can't just un'remember' it. Searing words indeed.

For instance, once I was confronted by a maths professor who knew my late brother and said unkind words about my brother. To this day, I can't see why he had to say that to me. I hardly know the professor and was puzzled why he did that. A probable reason is that I was rising in rank in the maths institute and some may have bad-mouthed me and then did some ill-campaign regarding this. The professor is no longer with us and may Allah forgive him. As much as I want to forgive him, the memory had stayed with me, seared rather deeply.

There are many instances of people saying unkind words to me and at times looked at me with disgust. But I want to get straight to a matter that was heavy in my heart and mind namely regarding my musician brother. He performed with Geng Waklong at our SEAMS School dinner. When the event ended and people were going back home, I introduced my brother to my superior to which he uttered 'Are you sure he is your brother?' since at the time he had taken off the stage clothings and was wearing his usual thin t-shirt. I was upset about it, thinking it was an inappropriate thing to say since it might hurt my brother's feelings. Perhaps the person was saying it in jest and I would say that it was a poor judgment on his part to do so since he did not know my family. But sometimes even people who do know us (the family) can say awful things. Likening any of us with a disabled person was really an awfully bad thing to say and I remember my late brother who organised the meet, was very angry about what had been said. In my thoughts, if one doesn't want to help then don't but guard one's tongue from saying awful things.

Some might ask why I'm bringing up the past; it is mainly because it serves as a lesson for all of us. In my limited capacity, I will try to help, God willing, and defend my family including my brothers and sisters from bad mouthing. If people still do bad mouthing, I will probably smile and walk away and maybe the person won't see much of me thereafter. Perhaps all that had happened is simply we had not done our duties and repay in kind to our parents. May Allah forgive us and that we will be able to meet our parents in jannah.

Note added: I was looking forward to the new Hijri year to be a better Muslim but arising things compelled me to make this post.

Leaking Porch, Leaking Purse

We were experiencing quite a downpour in the last two weeks and we found our porch was leaking very badly. My other half complained about it before it get any worse; she told me that the wooden structure (part) of the door seems to be swelling.due to dampness. I was hoping that we could postpone the repair since we are on a tight budget. However my other half is willing to take up the expenses (while I handle the regular bills). 

So earlier this week, we called our handyman to help fix the problem. Before that, my other half bought some sealant and tape stuffs to reduce the cost of repair. However, we were told that it was of the wrong or low quality type. So our handyman bought himself what was needed.

It took our handyman the whole day to do the repair but even then we need to test how good the repair is.

The next day, there was no rain for us to check if the leak is repaired. Mid week, there was another downpour in early morning. While there was less leakage, the leak near the door was still there. So, we had to do temporary workaround before we call our handyman to fix completely the leak.

So today, our handyman suggests that we install a zinc appendage where the leak is. He bought the necessary materials and did the repair in the later half of the day. The result is shown below.

We have yet to see whether this completely fix the problem or not. 

So for today's dinner, my other half suggested that we go out. We tried out a new eatery at S2 Ikon.

We have just heard that the insane war has reintensified and we were worried about the economic implication, I have always updated the family about the war; we need to be prepared. Currenty listening to Dr..Nungsari (my high school senior) in a podcast about our economy.

I have also received the news that our former physics staff passed away earlier this week. May Allah forgive him and grant him jannah.

We will follow suit. Life is fragile.

Long Weekend Leading To June

 The last weekend had a string of public holidays, making it a long weekend. First, there was Vesak day which falls on Sunday (May 31), celebrated by Buddhists.This is followed by the birthday of Agong (King), which falls on Monday (June 1).In conjunction with his birthday, honorific awards are given to selected individuals that have contributed much to the society. Overlapping with this is Gawai Day (June 1 & 2) which is celebrated in Sarawak, East Malaysis (a state holiday). Since Vesak day was on Sunday, the holiday should have been replaced on Monday but then Monday was also Agong's birthday. Thus, many offices have the 'weekend' extended until Tuesday.

My son Ihsan, as he promised, came back home on Friday and we had the whole family together that evening. My other half and Ihsan together with Izzuddin went to the cat expo the next day, but I stayed home (ontok-ontok mode). For the rest of the weekend, we stayed home (avoiding the busy traffic) since on Monday, Izzuddin has to go back to his college. Instead of sending Izzuddin ourselves, Ihsan volunteered to send back Izzuddin since he should be travelling back to Johor for work. Some photos below, just before their trip:

Excuse me in the sarong below.

When they arrived at the Jasin Campus, we were told that the cafe there was not open and thus Ihsan had to bring Izzuddin outside to get some. This delayed Ihsan's trip back to Johor and making it worse, there was a huge traffic jam.

Note added: Had listened to Jiang's final exam lecture during the weekend. The 'exam' is really where students given the task to ask questions or criticize the lessons that he has already given in the semester. Questions from beyond the class (his subscribers) were also discussed and thus Jiang's replies capture in some way how Jiang thought processes work. There was a follow-up lecture where Jiang discussed the work of his prevous mentor but I just couldn't bear listening to the whole thing and I stopped midway. The idea of reading in sexual ideas into what would be otherwise 'holy activities' seems like devuant teachings I have heard in the past. This is essentially the problem of 'idolising creativity' too much; ideas can go wrong and it can lead others astray. I was really surprised that these deviant sexualised ideas are being taught in a class of 'high school students'.