Because of the adherence to SOPs, we had to be there early. The 'Eid was also on Friday for which we were back there by noon and this time we were surprised to be able to secure our place in the main hall. Somehow all the long seating there had me fidgeting as my back pain reappears. Back from the mosque, my other half had planned for some 'Eid visits to her sister's place and to my brother's place. Before the visit, had to go to the pharmacy, to buy some synflex tablets to help reduce the pain. Our 'Eid celebration was pretty modest but yet with good food on the table. My mind however was probably focused on my pain and of course all the unfinished work. By the time we got home, I was too exhausted and slept.
As I mentioned above, the 'Eid commemorates the sacrifices made by Prophets Ibrahim a.s. and Ismail a.s. Often we thought that we have done plenty of sacrifices but some of these should be revised as the Friday sermon reminded me. Sacrifice as understood, is letting go the things we value greatly for the benefits of others. Most of the time, we felt we struggle but it is for the eventual sake of our greater convenience. There are grey areas that we have to be aware of, a thing I have learned in my years as an administrator. I have seen others 'complaining' that they had made 'sacrifices' but were responding to their needs of greater convenience. I'm saying this, not to belittle anyone but I saw this in myself too. What was really there, was our struggle to feel self-worthy and the feeling of the need to improve. These are often prompted by criticisms by others. Very uncomfortable feelings.
Last Monday, I considered very seriously about early retirement because I'm physically and mentally tired. But as I asked my former PA over the institute, the process will take a year and when I calculated the possible date of early retirement, it would be slightly more than a year before the official retirement date. Then I hesitated but yet the thought lingers. These thoughts have been there lingering since a few years ago much prompted by difficulties in the working environment. I have been on the receiving end of harsh criticisms that only led me to the self-defense of my self-worthiness. Some of these words will forever be imprinted in my memories as they hurt me deeply. I can only find solace in my prayers as I struggle to realise what I want to see of myself when I leave. Indeed there are many things that I wanted to do in my line of work that are left unrealised. The only thing that I thought I have, to a certain degree, achieved is to establish a theoretical physics group. If there is a next thing I want to do is to ensure its sustainability and perhaps more ambitiously is that we are indeed internationally known for certain areas of work. Then only we can say we are respectably 'equals' internationally (even if not locally).
As I wrote somewhere that people celebrate achievements because of the benefits that come with them but very few celebrate the struggles that often built our character and tradition. I sincerely hope more of those in power will be in the latter. For now, we have to be extremely patient in what we do.
No comments:
Post a Comment