Not Good Enough

This blog post will again not highlight things that I have achieved in the past but some negativities that I had to bear during my academic journey (well, okay, I'll 'brag' if I can overcome it). Most of them revolves around the theme of being 'not good enough'.

Let me begin with my family background which is like any other normal Malay family. My late father was a Chief Clerk in a district office. While not directly connected with science, my father maintained a lot of English reading materials in the house. If ever there's a connection to science, then it will probably be the Marvel comics that I used to read at a very young age. I remember conjuring up my own superhero characters right up to high school. For serious science, however, the mentality that we are brought up as a Malay is one with an inferiority complex. We tend to see others doing better and for us to do good, we have to work much harder. If ever my confidence grew, is during my undergraduate days. With only a (relatively) few of us in the class, I found myself comparably coping quite well with the theoretical subjects. However I was never the top of the class (just like high school), I still remember comparing myself say with Simon Twisk and Gerald Dunne. By the end of my honours year, I had interest to pursue supergravity and met a lecturer about it. But I was told that I don't have the personality to go through the stiff competition in that 'hot topic'.

When I joined the university, it was not like now with everyone tensed up about research. Our activities were mainly teaching and scientificwise, I was essentially bored and wanted badly to pursue research in frontier topics. It was not available back then. The one remark made during those years, that I still remember, was the statement that only one or two theorists will be enough for the department (at the time Dr. Zainul, a condensed matter theorist was still around). 

Later, I got lucky enough to be admitted to Part III of Mathematical Tripos, DAMTP in Cambridge. There, all my inferiority complex breaks loose. I was the only Asian in class. There were too many bright students and none of them I get to know well. The ones that I can remember most were Fay Dowker (who topped the class) and Nigel Burroughs (who always brings a teddy bear to class). I passed but I couldn't get into DAMTP, which was a bummer. Instead Mark Warner at Cavendish was willing to take me as a student but in an area that I did not imagine at the time would be interested in. So I moved to Durham. In Durham, there were less competition but the standards were high. I thought I can cope with the research but I seem to be doing not so well. Richard Ward, my supervisor was a bit concerned for me then, since I tend to read everything I can grab at the time. The most damaging remark was from the program coordinator, saying to me that I should ask my supervisor whether he still wanted to supervise me due to some poor exam results. I actually broke down then. I believe without my good friends Paul Fletcher and Patrick Dorey making up the good life there, I probably could have given up. I stayed till the end and finished my PhD in December 1990. As I touched down at the Subang airport, I was driven immediately to the Kuala Lumpur hospital. My father has been hospitalised for some time, without the family telling me about it. One day after, my father passed away. To add further pain to injury, as I reported for duty at the university, I was asked to give my services in Bintulu campus. My mother was in grief and now I had to leave her again after just coming back. Being in Bintulu, somewhat hardened my personality. Luckily I have friends like Mansor Ismail and Alias Radam who kept me 'alive' there in Bintulu.

When I returned back to the main campus, I felt that I was not welcomed, with some saying that my stay in Bintulu was too short. Those were the days there were no mobile phones (apart from ATUR phone) and internet; was pretty much isolated in Bintulu (once in a while, talked to my mum using the payphone). Fast forward a couple of years, started to push for theoretical physics but was advised not to rock the boat too much. When I was appointed as an associate professor in the year 2000, heard some people talking that I got it mainly because I was 'close' to the Dean then, Not sure how they saw that; I rarely meet him at the time (for that matter, any of my superiors throughout my career) and in fact, I was called up for something that I have wrote somewhere. It was pretty frustrating really particularly my application for the post was just because I was asked to do so. A lesson that I kept until this day.

When I joined the institute (IMM first, followed by ITMA and later INSPEM), all in my mind was just to pursue some theoretical directions. I tried to adapt myself to the vision of each institute. In IMM, I was pursuing visualization in (theoretical) physics. In ITMA, I was trying to align myself with the engineering directions (knowing INSPEM was formed just a few months after the Theoretical Studies Laboratory in ITMA) and tried to open up quantum information then. But that was stopped short. Finally in INSPEM, I tried to push for mathematical physics direction. Opened up discussions with Bakhadyr Khoussainov for a joint international laboratory (not knowing how complicated it would be) on Algorithms, Logic and Complexity. With Lamberto Rondoni in Polito, drafted a working paper for an international institute a la ICTP in Trieste and finally MICEMS (Malaysia-Italy Centre of Excellence for Mathematical Sciences) was actually formed. Somebody told me that all my actions were viewed by some as ones that simply benefit me. I'm truly puzzled by this claim. If one examines carefully, none of these moves were really in my areas of specialization. Sometimes I do feel like a stranger everywhere I go. In one instance, I was reminded about my late brother (their colleague then in a local university) was not as successful as they were. My heart was full of anger; why was this even brought up but I kept reminding myself that the person who said it was an elderly person (as old as my brother if he is alive). Coping with all of these, later I was told that I was not good enough to lead the institute. With my declining health, I wrote to the university that I would like to step down.

I wrote all these, not to be bitter, but more as a lesson for those who wishes to learn. I have not mentioned names apart from the earlier ones that had positive influence in my life. Sincerely, I felt many times that I am really not good enough and wished that I could be better and could have done more. It's ok if what I have done is considered not good enough as long as I felt deep down that I am trying to do something good (may Allah help me). God willing,  I plan to move forward regardless and hopefully retire peacefully by next year. Thank you for listening. Hopefully I will be good enough for happiness in the hereafter.