You May Not

In my previous post, I mentioned about the surprise call to collaborate from colleagues elsewhere. Before this, I was not expecting any more important role to play given my near-retirement. Given the call, put some efforts into it and there is this glimmer of hope that I could be active back again in whatever role. So today, I called up for an informal meeting with my colleagues in the department that even went beyond lunchtime (without the lunch of course). We even planned a meeting with our collaborators. But then our hopes were dashed after finding out that the deadline has passed for our university (but not for others). In a way, there was a sense of relief (not to be held responsible for something important) but I still feel the other sense of frustration of not being able to grab the opportunity. I guess I can call it fate that most of my ventures ended up with nothing.

Let me list some of the things I was involved in but ended up with nothing or no further role:

• Minimal involvement in the early days of formation of Ibn Sina Institute in UTM
• National Computing Centre - initiated by Prof. Rauzah in Universiti Malaya
• National Physics Laboratory during the period when everyone is talking about the Nobel Laureate challenge by Tun Dr. Mahathir
• Minimal involvement in the early days of National Particle Physics Centre

Note that the role I'm referring to in the above was merely being an active participant (not say of any administrative position). Thereafter, I focus mostly on efforts in my own university.

• Was in the nucleus group of Multimedia Institute headed by Prof. Makhdzir Mardan during Multimedia Supercorridor heydays. The institute was later closed down during the first restructuring of the institutes.
• Setting up Theoretical Studies Laboratory (TSL) in ITMA which was later asked to be closed or merged (whatever). Before closure we even had set up a quantum information research laboratory in TSL.
• Bidding for sister events of Quantum Theory and Symmetries Symposium and Group Theoretical Methods in Physics Colloquium (which had the Wigner Medal and Weyl Prize inauguration ceremonies). It went through a committee but we were not successful.
• Almost got involved in the bidding for International Congress for Mathematicians but it was rather ambitious.
• Attempt to build a joint international laboratory for Algorithms, Logic and Complexity with University of Auckland. I felt I was unprepared for this and finally found that getting significant funds for this seems impractical.
• Involved in the paper write-up for Malaysia-Italy Institute for Mathematical Sciences a la ICTP but this went through several unplanned changes.
• At a personal level, is my own departure from Institute for Mathematical Research for personal (health) reasons. As I have said above, it is not so much of the administrative position, but it is to be able see one's ideas realised to their fruition and the trust relationships. (That is why I find not continuing a tradition, is those consequences of the more damaging type; undoing efforts that have been put in for the tradition, unless it is for reestablishing new equilibrium points which are more energy efficient)

I should have been numbed by these unsuccessful ventures. However, frustration will always be there each time one is unsuccessful, particularly when one believes in what one was doing. Accepting them as fate seems easy to say but deep down one feels the regret of having spent significant amount of energy in them. May the last few days of this Ramadhan give me peace with regard to these matters.