Imperfect (Like Everyone)

Have been going through ups and downs lately. I wanted to do so much but my ageing body and mind do not seem to be cooperating. A great part of me wants to stop pushing for things and wishes to be left alone. I have already had my good share of humiliation and negativities in the past and these contribute a lot to my pessimism. Like everyone else, I'm not perfect and there is no real need for anyone to raise this. Imperfect but not dumb. The desires of progress and self-improvement are still burning within but perhaps the fuel is about to diminish.

When it comes to theoretical physics, I still wish that it is firmly established in UPM and I do believe that both physics and mathematics will stand to benefit from having a good theoretical physics group. As such, there is a need to grow the theoretical physics group larger for sustainability (in my humble opinion). Despite what people think, doing research in theoretical physics is difficult and in these days, one is faced with great difficulty in complying with the publication rate set by administrators without regard to the field and even to the subfields one is in. One remark that I had heard from the past is just change fields, which is not really helpful. Theoretical physics tradition needs to be strengthened and not destroyed at the mercy of individuals who do not like it.

To aspiring young theoretical physicists, do not get easily fooled by the glamour of having to understand the technically difficult subject matter. We may 'glow' locally but the real test is how well established are us in the international arena. I recalled how Prof. Lamberto Rondoni was saying how difficult it is to be truly recognised at the international level even in a single technical subfield. Realise this and one is immediately humbled. To get international recognition, either one has a long tradition of (consistently) producing research output at an international level or once in a blue moon, bright ideas may come and are acceptable by majority of theorists. Having said this, ideas don't grow on trees; they require a significant amount of experience and technical prowess to realise them. Don't dismiss unconventional ideas too quickly but on the cautious side, do look at consistency of crackpot signals produced (see Baez's index). Usually, real crackpots tend to be easily detected upon examination of their understanding of recent technical knowledge.

Finally, above everything, ego does not go well in the pursuit of theoretical knowledge. Some amount of humility and self-doubt will serve as counter-check to the growing ego. In the end, what matters are the good deeds that we produce during such pursuit. These, we will bring to the next life.

Not to sound sermonious, these are things that I try to observe and practice myself. Tried my best and the rest is for Allah to decide. 

In the end, it is our family that will miss us most when we are gone, while working organizations will move on with or without us. Alhamdulillah, yesterday my family put up a nice surprise for me to celebrate father's day. Below is a pic (excuse the sarong and the informality). We simply gathered late yesterday afternoon in front of the TV and had an ice-cream cake for evening tea.