57 in 2019

Yes, I've celebrated my 57th birthday in 2019, which means I have another around three years left of service before my retirement. Now some commented that they thought I have another ten years to go. Well, thank you. I take that as a compliment. In reality, I feel really aged. Here are some pics taken me celebrating.

Somebody commented why I do not smile in the pic above. Well, at the time, I was suffering a severe back pain. The pic below show the first take - with me squinting my eyes trying to bear the pain.

After the pics taken, had a slice of my cake eaten with some pain-killers. It is now quite frequent that I get bad episodes of back pain nowadays. I can even 'hear' bones or tendons cracking while I make certain motion. I have accepted that I will have to live with this; just need to manage it.

Drawing near to my retirement, I had mixed feelings about it. Part of me felt that I need to do so much more but another part wanted me to rest. Prof. Wan Mahmood (have retired) whom I met a few days ago, told me that when one retires, soon one will really appreciate the working life. In a way, I do hope I will retire with my mind still very active and hope that I will not go senile at old age and be a burden to the family. If I need to go, I hope it will be swift.

I'm trying to prepare myself for retirement in a way. Brought journals from home, which I had subscribed (Reviews of Mathematical Physics, Journal of Geometry and Physics, Science) to my 'temporary' office, so that I can donate these to the theoretical physics lab in the department. If I'm not mistaken, I have already given away my International Journal of Modern Physics A and Modern Physics Letters A collection to the lab. I hope that I will still be active in some form or another after retirement (maybe on consultation), and thus still uncertain to give away my (theoretical physics and mathematics) book collection. I hope to acquire new skills (e.g. programming) so that I can still be useful to some people then and perhaps still earning some income.

Spoke to my students about what scientific legacy will I leave behind. I hope the theoretical physics group (used to be nonexistent) will continue to survive the competitive environment despite being a minority. I very much hope that my younger colleagues will continue to ensure that the group is sustainable and the tradition build over the years can stay. For the institute, I hope the new year will bring good news. I still have occasional nightmares about the institute but I hope I can grow out of it. I will continue to contribute to the institute but will not interfere with the management.

I will continue to better myself and will take past criticisms into view (some of which I still disagree). I will try to be more systematic while yet being creative in some ways. I hope to pay less attention to social media and do more reflections instead. I will work perhaps with more of the hereafter in mind and thus worldly matters becomes secondary. Let's hope I have the strength do this consistently.

November End and Early December Varia

I am still trying to establish a stable work-pattern in the department. My graduate students have been seeing me more often and it is good that I have the current (temporary) whiteboard for us to discuss (still awaiting the right-sized whiteboard). I won't be able to know a good stable work pattern until I'm given a full teaching workload next semester but I hope I will still have more time for research as I need to graduate my current students and thus try to leave a good theoretical environment when I retire.

Occasionally, some people asked me what happen to my Deputy Director post at INSPEM. If possible, I will try to answer briefly (in line with this post). If they ask me further, of course, I have my side of story that I can tell but this does not invalidate my health reasons. Some do not believe this is the real reason. I certainly do not fake my health problems but perhaps there may be psychological reasons, which led to my predicament. In any case, I hope to grow fitter soon; I've walked and climbed stairs more ever since I'm back at the department. As far as I'm concerned, I'm happy to move on and focus more on things in the future that will help me in the hereafter. If some still have issues with me, we can still discuss in a civilised manner and work for amicable solutions or otherwise just let the matter go as I did. I have accepted the past as my fate even if I do not like it. Whatever stories they would like to hear, there are always many sides to a story and I've grown enough to be aware that one always reason contextually with whatever partial information that one has; thus the so-called truth is often grey.

One change that I'm conscious since I left is that I am less stressful when I drive to work and back. Even with the most annoying driver on the road, I tend not to get all worked up. I have also avoided working long hours at the office as I don't see the urgency to do so now. And it is good that I reach home well before Maghrib. I try to spend more time with the family as I should.

Recently the family lost Belang (November 28, 2019), one of the oldest cat that we had. We had sent Belang to the clinic and knew about his kidney failure. As his condition worsened, we sent Belang to the clinic again so that he gets a proper care, Just a day before we wanted to collect Belang from the clinic, the vet called saying that Belang is gone. My other half who is more attached to the cats, was very saddened that Belang did not spent the final hours at home. Here are some pics of Belang.

Not long after this, just two nights ago, we found another old cat of ours, Shaggy, was oozing blood from her mouth and nose. It was in the middle of the night when this happened and thus we had to wait till the next morning, for us to send her to the clinic. All we could do then was to clean her up. She has also been losing weight over the last month or so. The tests thus far shown no signs of anything sinister. We hope that she will be alright. In a way, I sort of miss Shaggy since she is always in the room with us.

Presently there are a few things on my mind. First, is the Physics Without Frontiers that we hope to do early next year. We are still finalising this matter but it will be in the form of EQuaLS resurrected with some changes. The other is the quantum project we wished to do for the 12th Malaysia Plan. This will probably be something that will occupy my time before I retire. I hope it will be something good that I will leave behind. This coming week, we will have an INSPEM event which I hope to attend and a few days after, I will turn 57. Hoping of good things to come.