The Weak Leader

Ramadhan is just around the corner and I'm not sure what I am feeling right now. It is already May and by end of the month, my term as Deputy Director will end. Part of me wants to carry on fighting and struggling but the aged part of me just felt tired after all the struggles. Felt that I have lost on the one hand and felt that I'm unwanted on another. Whatever it is, I will take this as a humility lesson that will help me to be better, wiser and stronger. Those who felt that they have 'won', I wish them all the best.

I am very much aware of all the criticisms leveled against me all these years: being volatile, being unprofessional, second-rate mathematician, weak leader, some of which can be dentrimental to my career. However, I will take all of these for me to learn though I may not necessarily agree with all these accusations. Most of the time, whatever role I'm taking, it is almost accidental. I did not campaign for them. As a Deputy, even when I hold different opinions with the director, I have always carried out the wishes of the leader of the institute as agreed in our meetings. During the double stint of me as acting director, it is always my belief to carry out the important traditions made by the previous directors. For instance, I have resisted the reduction of management meetings particularly during the transition period. Nevertheless, I have my own vision of what I wanted the institute to be. Most of the time I have to go for less due to practical constraints. If ever there is leadership in what I do, I tend to practice it differently. I consider research institute is where creativity thrives, always on the look out for something different but yet keeping the main traditions grounded. I do not consider rigidity in management gels well with the creative environment we would like to build, thus I may practice flexibility wherever possible. When it comes to 'managing' people, I believe in the institute as a learning organization whose members are mature and emphasise learning. Thus, I like to give trust to people to do what they think best but they must learn when the handled matter doesn't work out. Sometimes this is seen to be 'weak' by some. Note that I have 'scolded' staff before (not frequently though) but I quickly try to forget such incidents and cherish the trust being built and the teamwork developed. I may not agree with something and I would leave hints just for people to take up, think about it and understand. I try my best to lead by example wherever I can but as a human, I am limited and I'm not infallible.

I tried to understand the psyche of my staff wherever I can, so that I can give the best reaction to arising problems the way I know how. Certainly handling staff is difficult, and way more stressful than solving mathematical problems. This is why in management meeting, I joked about knowing the psychology profile of the staff and colleagues. In fact knowing human interactions is one of the identified important skills that the future worker should have. I even do evaluate my own personality. I have attended the Wisdom Leadership Workshop that the university had conducted for us in 2013. Most parts of the workshop, I enjoyed them because I was learning new things that I have not known before. I took the MBTI test and was classed as INTJ which means Introvert, iNtuitive,Thinking and Judging (I actually thought I was INTP with judging replaced by perceiving). The test was quite detailed but one can do an online test to see what type of personality that one has. Mine was given here.

So I guess that is weak leadership for you and I 'enjoyed' being the weak leader I am. Late this afternoon, my other half had told me, just leave after 31 May. Be the regular guy I was and need not take up any important roles in the future. My close colleagues are also telling me the same thing. But there is still one leadership role that I yearn for - scientific leadership. There is plenty more for me to do for theoretical physics in UPM and perhaps I will just focus on that.

Finally to the staff, keep learning and hope you will have a better leader to move forward.