57 in 2019

Yes, I've celebrated my 57th birthday in 2019, which means I have another around three years left of service before my retirement. Now some commented that they thought I have another ten years to go. Well, thank you. I take that as a compliment. In reality, I feel really aged. Here are some pics taken me celebrating.

Somebody commented why I do not smile in the pic above. Well, at the time, I was suffering a severe back pain. The pic below show the first take - with me squinting my eyes trying to bear the pain.

After the pics taken, had a slice of my cake eaten with some pain-killers. It is now quite frequent that I get bad episodes of back pain nowadays. I can even 'hear' bones or tendons cracking while I make certain motion. I have accepted that I will have to live with this; just need to manage it.

Drawing near to my retirement, I had mixed feelings about it. Part of me felt that I need to do so much more but another part wanted me to rest. Prof. Wan Mahmood (have retired) whom I met a few days ago, told me that when one retires, soon one will really appreciate the working life. In a way, I do hope I will retire with my mind still very active and hope that I will not go senile at old age and be a burden to the family. If I need to go, I hope it will be swift.

I'm trying to prepare myself for retirement in a way. Brought journals from home, which I had subscribed (Reviews of Mathematical Physics, Journal of Geometry and Physics, Science) to my 'temporary' office, so that I can donate these to the theoretical physics lab in the department. If I'm not mistaken, I have already given away my International Journal of Modern Physics A and Modern Physics Letters A collection to the lab. I hope that I will still be active in some form or another after retirement (maybe on consultation), and thus still uncertain to give away my (theoretical physics and mathematics) book collection. I hope to acquire new skills (e.g. programming) so that I can still be useful to some people then and perhaps still earning some income.

Spoke to my students about what scientific legacy will I leave behind. I hope the theoretical physics group (used to be nonexistent) will continue to survive the competitive environment despite being a minority. I very much hope that my younger colleagues will continue to ensure that the group is sustainable and the tradition build over the years can stay. For the institute, I hope the new year will bring good news. I still have occasional nightmares about the institute but I hope I can grow out of it. I will continue to contribute to the institute but will not interfere with the management.

I will continue to better myself and will take past criticisms into view (some of which I still disagree). I will try to be more systematic while yet being creative in some ways. I hope to pay less attention to social media and do more reflections instead. I will work perhaps with more of the hereafter in mind and thus worldly matters becomes secondary. Let's hope I have the strength do this consistently.

November End and Early December Varia

I am still trying to establish a stable work-pattern in the department. My graduate students have been seeing me more often and it is good that I have the current (temporary) whiteboard for us to discuss (still awaiting the right-sized whiteboard). I won't be able to know a good stable work pattern until I'm given a full teaching workload next semester but I hope I will still have more time for research as I need to graduate my current students and thus try to leave a good theoretical environment when I retire.

Occasionally, some people asked me what happen to my Deputy Director post at INSPEM. If possible, I will try to answer briefly (in line with this post). If they ask me further, of course, I have my side of story that I can tell but this does not invalidate my health reasons. Some do not believe this is the real reason. I certainly do not fake my health problems but perhaps there may be psychological reasons, which led to my predicament. In any case, I hope to grow fitter soon; I've walked and climbed stairs more ever since I'm back at the department. As far as I'm concerned, I'm happy to move on and focus more on things in the future that will help me in the hereafter. If some still have issues with me, we can still discuss in a civilised manner and work for amicable solutions or otherwise just let the matter go as I did. I have accepted the past as my fate even if I do not like it. Whatever stories they would like to hear, there are always many sides to a story and I've grown enough to be aware that one always reason contextually with whatever partial information that one has; thus the so-called truth is often grey.

One change that I'm conscious since I left is that I am less stressful when I drive to work and back. Even with the most annoying driver on the road, I tend not to get all worked up. I have also avoided working long hours at the office as I don't see the urgency to do so now. And it is good that I reach home well before Maghrib. I try to spend more time with the family as I should.

Recently the family lost Belang (November 28, 2019), one of the oldest cat that we had. We had sent Belang to the clinic and knew about his kidney failure. As his condition worsened, we sent Belang to the clinic again so that he gets a proper care, Just a day before we wanted to collect Belang from the clinic, the vet called saying that Belang is gone. My other half who is more attached to the cats, was very saddened that Belang did not spent the final hours at home. Here are some pics of Belang.

Not long after this, just two nights ago, we found another old cat of ours, Shaggy, was oozing blood from her mouth and nose. It was in the middle of the night when this happened and thus we had to wait till the next morning, for us to send her to the clinic. All we could do then was to clean her up. She has also been losing weight over the last month or so. The tests thus far shown no signs of anything sinister. We hope that she will be alright. In a way, I sort of miss Shaggy since she is always in the room with us.

Presently there are a few things on my mind. First, is the Physics Without Frontiers that we hope to do early next year. We are still finalising this matter but it will be in the form of EQuaLS resurrected with some changes. The other is the quantum project we wished to do for the 12th Malaysia Plan. This will probably be something that will occupy my time before I retire. I hope it will be something good that I will leave behind. This coming week, we will have an INSPEM event which I hope to attend and a few days after, I will turn 57. Hoping of good things to come.

Settling Down in Physics Department

Many times in the past, my other half said to me to give up my administrative post and go back to Physics Department which I have left unattended for so many years. This time I did it. If not for my medical leave last week, I would have gone back to Physics Department last week. It was only Wednesday this week, that I reentered my old office. To my pleasant surprise, my younger colleagues and students have helped clear my room. Despite this, I may not be able to stay long in the room whose air-conditioning is no longer functioning. So my younger colleagues suggested that I occupy the office for guests of the department, which I did. I understand that this is temporary. Hopefully the airconditioning in my old office will be fixed sometime early next year. I had already been told that there will be a guest from China who works on operator theory and quantum computing this coming Jamuary. So I won't get too comfortable in the current office - just need a place for privacy and to do my own work.

Somebody asked me how is life when not holding any administration post. I must say it is a relief - in the past, I feared so much that people will blame me for what is happening to the institute. Now, have made way for my younger colleagues to fully decide what's best for the institute. Even so, I will be there for the institute if needed (like this morning for the audit). I still have some commitments with the institute through research project and students. Perhaps even larger commitment is for the new initiative with CyberSecurity Malaysia. What is most delightful for me at this stage is that I do not have to attend many meetings like I used to. I intend to use up this time for more research and teaching (hopefully after I'm feeling better).

Another pleasant development during this shift to Physics Department, is that they have found the photo album of pictures taken during my 2001 visit to Imperial College, hosted by Prof. Chris Isham. The visit was made possible by the Akademi Sains Malaysia-Royal Society Exchange Programme. Below are the pics with Prof. Isham himself and his postdoc Ioannis Raptis

I shared an office with Jussi Kalkkinen, a postdoc under K. Stelle.

Here are some other photos of us:

I rented a room in an apartment through the help of Prof. Isham. Here's the landlady

and a lady housemate

Pics of me at the apartment:

Here's the Theoretical Physics Secretary

I also met some Malaysians there studying in Imperial:

The visit was a real experience for me, particularly how far we are left behind in the area of theoretical physics. Jussi is a string theorist who uses gerbes, while Ioannis are using sheaves and topos for quantum gravity. At the time, Chris had already published papers on Topos Framework for Quantum Theory with Jeremy Butterfield. Two years later I invited Jussi Kalkkinen to ITMA to give some lectures in string theory. After I joined INSPEM, I invited Andreas Doering as a fellow. I must say we were not ready in both circumstances to have such researchers. It was my ambitious view then that I wanted some of the advanced and highly sophisticated mathematics to be introduced here. Perhaps we will take a few more generations for us to be ready.

19.11.2019

The above date is the day my son's convocation ceremony at UPM. It was the last session of UPM 2019 convocation and was held in the afternoon. That session too also saw me carrying my last duty as INSPEM representative as Senate member and they are usually seated on stage with the Pro-Chancellor, Vice-Chancellor and the DVCs.

I was also supposed to fly to Kuching for a conference that evening. My invited presentation was supposed to be on 20th November evening. Before I received the letter stating my final day as Deputy, I was also planning to attend a special Senate meeting on the 21st November. Thus I have booked my return ticket to Kuching accordingly to arrive back in the early morning of 21st. Thus, if it did happen as planned, it will be a pretty hectic schedule.

So let me back track to one day earlier. Both me and my other half took leave in preparation for our son's convocation. We had two separate bags packed in preparation for my trip to Sarawak. Since we will be checking-in into the hotel after 2pm, my other half decided to go to the Ministry of Health in the morning to settle some of her work matters. We stopped by at IOI Mall to have lunch and tried something new: Mee Tarik Warisan Asli Restaurant

It was different from most things we had and enjoyed the meal (warning: the dishes come in large size). After lunch, we went to the Palm Gardens Hotel to check-in and rest.

During the night, I was feeling rather sick and started to cough badly. Took my meds immediately and trying my best to stay healthy for tomorrow but things do not turn out that way. My other half and son had to travel out of the hotel to find further medicine from the pharmacy. Initially, we thought it was something I ate. Then I remembered during check-in, the hotel staff appeared to have flu. Must have gotten from the person. My other half told me it must be an aggressive virus (e.g. like influenza B) since it did not take long to make me sick. Tried to stay up to complete my slides for the conference but failed miserably.

Come the big day, we tried to be early in UPM and use the INSPEM office (with permission). I wasn't feeling very good but forced myself to be there. As mentioned earlier, it was my last duty for INSPEM.

Before entering the hall, met Dr. Nurisya who was also part of the academic procession.

While on stage, I remembered, I was taking cough drops one after another to prevent me from coughing badly. Watched Zurita (my M.Sc. student) and Ihsan took their scrolls.

It seemed way too long till the convocation session ended. I was feeling really unwell then. We manage to get a few pics before I decided to leave.

As I walked back to the office with my other half, suddenly I found myself short of breath and could not move further. My other half sought INSPEM driver Fiezul's help to fetch me and then the spontaneous suggestion that I'll be brought to UPM Medical Centre. Over there, fearing I was experiencing a heart attack, I was rushed to Serdang hospital. At the time, I asked my wife to message Prof. Kuru to inform him of the situation. At the hospital, I was given morphine to relieve me of any pain and that totally knocked me out. When I was conscious, I couldn't barely stand. I fell twice in the toilet unaided. The emergency room was full to the brim and I saw patients bedded along corridors. There were just too many patients for the staff to heed my call for help. I was in the emergency room all the while until the next day when the specialist doctor told me my heart seems fine and I'm probably having problems due to the infection. He told me it was best for me to rest at home since there weren't any beds or wards available for me, to which we agree to do so.

Even as I arrived home, I was all groggy and could not stand up without losing balance. So much of the day, I was just resting in bed. It is certainly something that I wish I will not experience again. Physically, I'm still weak coupled with my back pain. I have taken a few more days leave for me to grow stronger. My sons all got infected and had fever right after we got home, showing aggressiveness of the viral infection. I had to discourage my students from visiting me at home so that they won't get infected. Luckily, my other half was spared from the infection thus far.

Finally I add another two pics from UPM that had my son in them and another two pics from Zurita.

Surrounding The Final Day

I'm preparing myself to be back at the Department of Physics. My immediate boss there will be the Head of Department of Physics and I expect to spend less time at the Institute then. Nevertheless, I will still contribute to the Institute.

Even on the final day, 15 November 2019, there are activities drawn up for the future of INSPEM. In the morning, we had a workshop with CyberSecurity Malaysia to whom we hope to work closely with in the future. This will also involve our Singaporean partner (will not reveal details here), but it will be an important collaboration for progress of quantum science & technology in Malaysia. These are some pics.

After Friday prayers in the afternoon, we spend our time at INSPEM booth at Bukit Konvo for the officiation of the UPM Convocation Festival.

The new thing that we brought to this year's booth are our 3D printer 'print-outs'. Few months ago, we acquired an Up-Box 3D printer with the thought of essentially 3D print-outs for our gallery display and any exhibitions that we are involved in, or even do research with this facility. I asked my student Choong to help us out with the idea and he attended the Up-Box training with the rest of the staff. Unfortunately, he was not available for this convocation festival because he is attending the IMH School on Algebraic Schemes and Cohomology in Hanoi at the time (see pic below).

Thus for the expo, initially I thought we had some mathematical niceties like a dodecahedron or the Klein bottle (which would have a visual impact) through my discussions with Choong, but they brought print-out puzzles shown below as something that visitors at the booth can participate to solve (which is ok though does not stand out visually).

Before that, on Thursday, we had a Skype meeting with Dr. Kate Shaw from ICTP for an important near future activity. God willing, we will be running another EQuaLS under the banner of Physics Without Frontiers in February 2020. So watch this space for future announcement of EQuaLS.

Even after my final day, I have the convocation duty of representing INSPEM on stage during the first session of the convocation plus another two. I chose the second session in the afternoon as one of them so that I don't have to come to UPM from Seremban many times. Also during the evening we will have INSPEM Graduation Dinner for the Class of 2019. Thus I have the whole day at the university yesterday. Below is a pic taken before the first session starts.

My three students graduated during this convocation are Ganesh Subramaniam, Zurita Ismail and Dr. Raghad Sahib Abbas. Raghad could not come since she is already back in Iraq. So at the dinner, I was with Ganesh and Zurita.

The whole day stint had my back pain worsening and I was literally in pain when these photos are taken. Immediately after reaching home, I took pain killers and collapsed.

I have still another session to go to, which will be this coming Tuesday. This will however be a special one since my second son will also be graduating. Looking forward to it.