This is not a reaction to Kamala Khan's final episode, but it is about some reflections of mine on what could be done for a better local academic environment. This post is prompted by an incident that seems to put me (again) in bad light.
Let me begin by saying that I do not consider myself as special, devoid of weakness (just as human as everyone else), but by the Grace of God that I am on a path that very few Malaysians would take. So when a senior university management once retold a story that often some staff can't accept what has happened to them, perhaps indicating subtle questioning of the sixth tenet of Islamic beliefs. I do concur with this view provided that it doesn't stop there. One tries to move on to a better desired plane of existence with cautiously treading all the perturbations along the way. Indeed, to each is their own journey with whatever baggage that one carries from the past. To this, I'm particularly disappointed with some 'leaders' who discounted the variability of an individual's journey and tries to model everything according to their own experience. To add further disappointment, in one talk that I have attended, a senior guy seems to suggest that one is useful if one is used by their leaders (I could not believe my ears then, since this opens the floodgate of inappropriate manipulation and powerplay). Again, these are just a few instances where I had to personally disagree with my superiors (not voiced though), but in most other things I will be happy to play along with what they have decided.
Let me retrace my beginnings. I come from an average Malay family with my father being a chief clerk in a district office and my mum a housewife. Due to stereotypes, there seems to be an ingrained belief that we (average Malay) are not as good as others and we need to work harder to excel. I had no idea what it is like to be a university academic and were not exposed to Olympiads or anything similar. I only get to know these from my readings of the lives of scientific luminaries. My route to academic life is essentially accidental. My international exposure had brought me to the understanding that this average Malay is not as bad as the stereotypes that had been placed in our minds. Having said that, I certainly am not disillusioned to think that one can reach the level of scientific luminaries that one reads or observes. Certainly, hard work and better opportunities are needed. On science, I had chosen the theoretical physics path only when I was in third year of undergraduate studies. It was strange to me then, why I was not being made aware of all these subjects. Soon enough, I became passionate about theoretical physics. I relied much on intuition gained while I was in my third and fourth (Honours) years of undergraduate, when dealing with abstractions in mathematics and physics.
When I joined the university, I was determined to set up a scientific ecosystem that I wished I had in my younger years. Little did I know that I would be facing rough waters. As a start, when I joined the department, I was already being told that one theoretical physicist will be enough (and to think then, there was another theorist but he opted for early retirement several years later). When I came back from my PhD studies, I was sent off to the Bintulu campus and spent around three semesters there. On coming back to the main campus, I was asked why am I back (immediately felt that I'm not welcomed). When I invited a well-known scientist from DAMTP, Cambridge and tried to organise talks in the department, the same person mentioned that this is my guest and not the department's. As much as I wanted to forget this incident, I just can't. So when I was invited by Prof. Lodhi to help form a theoretical laboratory in ITMA, it was easy for me to say yes. It was then, I was introduced in a serious way to management. When I chaired the first meeting for the lab, Prof. Lodhi made the remark that the meeting went well (I guess, than expected). When we got a physical space for the lab, a professor made a remark right to my face that it was a waste of resources. Again, another event that I've wished to forget but I can't. Years later due to restructuring exercise of the university, I found myself landing in another institute.
I moved on as usual and learned to work in INSPEM as I know how. Being a theorist, I thought I could fit well in the mathematical institute but as a person not from the maths department, there are instances when one felt being a stranger at home. Still, I was open to interactions with many mathematical scientists, both local and international in many different areas (beyond my interest). With some, we discuss how we could progress as a mathematical institute and others confide with me what could potentially be problems. There too, I have learned how things are discussed at a higher level in the university, some of which are pretty pedantic (more than I have imagined). In some sense, nothing had me prepared for these but I learned what I could. In the course of learning how to manage the institute, I have been given many different labels by some individuals (no names here): unprofessional, weak leader, tyrant (this label was really a surprise and seems to contradict the one before) and unstable. It is perhaps the last one that had long lasting effect on me. At one point, I thought I had overstayed my welcome there and coupled with my declining health (often job-related), I finally sent a letter of resignation and made way to younger leaders. In doing so, I have decided not to be part of management or decision-making related committees (be in the institute or department) and in a way leaving the younger generation to chart their own futures with no interference from me. I even stop 'chairing' our group activities e.g. EQuaLS or even our private QuEST meetings. Yet, it seems I have been requested to be in some committees or boards (not my decision). I have declined many requests and with existing ones, I have reiterated my desire to leave. I wish to be left with my own scientific pursuit. Indeed, I have avoided people so that I will not be reminded of negativities (office politics, betrayals, smear campaigns and what-nots). Whatever people think of me, these are their judgment calls (not necessarily agreeing to them myself - there is always two sides of a story), but I have my own too. Personally, I think our university has changed a lot by circumstances or design (just like the rest of the world) and some will have me disagreeing strongly (and usually agreed upon by others but only privately). I look forward to my retirement so that I can start afresh a new phase of life.
In this mood, I prayed hard for peace of mind and ease of affairs during last Friday prayers.
وَجَآءُو عَلَىٰ قَمِيصِهِۦ بِدَمٍ كَذِبٍ ۚ قَالَ بَلْ سَوَّلَتْ لَكُمْ أَنفُسُكُمْ أَمْرًا ۖ فَصَبْرٌ جَمِيلٌ ۖ وَٱللَّهُ ٱلْمُسْتَعَانُ عَلَىٰ مَا تَصِفُونَ
(Yusuf:18)
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