Recently arXiv limits the catchup section to be only available for the last 90 days. Before this, the catch up section allows up to previous whole year. Suddenly, it was changed a few weeks ago. So, I thought I continue what I have been doing, but now another problem arises when I scoured more recent catch-up materials. My (quick) browsing of links probably has automatically triggered something that arXiv reported back 'rate exceeded'. This makes me reflect more on why I'm doing this.
When I was in Singapore years ago, I remembered an academic staff there saying 'what a waste of time' on seeing me archiving links for my own use. I was startled by the comment and in some way felt offended. I tried to rationalize my behaviour as trying to be on top of scientific topics that I have some (vague) interests in it. Indeed, because of this, I have accumulated a lot of (hard-copy) materials (see pictures below) and perhaps even more of soft-copy materials.
Part of this behaviour is perhaps can be traced to my personal insecurity for being a member of a community that has been looked down upon (negative stereotypes) by others. I was brought into a culture that often looks up to others (particularly the West) with a form of inferiority complex. I wanted to be better and if possible prove these stereotypes being wrong. Having spent my time abroad, I saw this mindset being erroneous; one could be as good as others (if not better) as long as we put the work in it. Besides that, there will always be a better person somewhere and one is not really doomed by whatever stereotypes are there. A motto I had once was being a counterexample is (perhaps) more important than being an example.
Perhaps another strand of influence is from the family. I do remember my dad used to collect magazines, comics and books. On such collecting behaviour, I do notice that it runs in the family. One of my brother likes to record sports events, personalities etc. My musician brother tends to keep discographies of musicians, music magazines and of course audio materials. My own book-collecting behaviour perhaps started after I had some form of financial independence after joining UPM as a tutor. Before that I had quite a large music collection, pursuing the same interest as my musician brother. So one could guess where all my savings go.
I remembered one of my head of department saying that one sometimes needs to be a little crazy alluding to my behaviour of accumulating so much academic materials. A colleague in the Maths Institute once reminded me indirectly not to be like 'a donkey carrying books' (see Al-Jumu'ah verse 5). I was puzzled by this and reflected deeply on the matter until now. Another younger colleague commented on my behaviour of having too wide of an interest as probably set up as an excuse for not finishing one particular job. This remark too, I carried it in my mind until now. I certainly want to improve myself and not carry any form of disorder and behaviour that is adverse to my (mental, spiritual) growth. I prayed almost every time in my prayers that I be granted beneficial knowledge and wisdom and not to be lead astray.
This 'disorder' has sometimes 'paid off' particularly when interacting with international friends and visitors. Some expressed surprise of how much I know and some showed mutual respect. I'm saying this not to be egoistic but just the basic of feeling good and at times feelings of achievement enough for me to move on and grow.
At this old age, many times I felt I should stop and prepare only for my next life. However I still have to work and thus there is the need to be updated with new knowledge. A dream would be to discover something significant in my field but this is slipping away from me. For now, I will probably just limit myself to new arXiv listings (though there is the risk of some of these may be retracted or modified later), which requires me to browse daily.
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