Small

Yesterday my undergraduate student suddenly popped up the question why am I still not a professor despite my thirty years plus of working. I remembered my previous blogpost and somehow felt slighted but this is not the first time. I thought for a while and gave the honest answer, I did not apply for such a position. He then uttered the question that one has to apply, perhaps genuinely he did not know about it. Or he just wanted to make me feel small and perhaps spill some beans? The student is a student leader of some sort and my guess is that he should know some university matters.

In the past, there have been many times that students sort of question what I do. Some do irritate me for their arrogance and some I considered as simply ignorant or foolish. Reacting to these is quite delicate as one does not want to misuse one's position of 'authority'. It is only proper to guide the student to get the appropriate understanding and help him grow. I remembered once an undergraduate student who was under my supervision (way before I joined the institutes), bragged about his theoretical physics capability but he had this annoying habit of degrading the department/curriculum, bordering on some racial insinuations. Felt the need to educate him a little and challenged him to take up the MSc course in theoretical physics at my former university to prove himself he is that good. He actually did and we corresponded for a while. Later, I was informed that he sadly failed the course but scored well on the subject matter of the project I had supervised him. The point here is to be always careful not to let one's ego get bloated and underrate or undermine what efforts of everyone else in making progress (of science or whatever).

There are many instances in my life where others try to make me feel small. I can brushed off some of these, but some had some deep psychological impact on me (occasionally, I get nightmares). I often watched the insinuations and body languages of others when people interact with me, to see how they perceive me (students included). In many instances, one can see positions of power and popularity determine the way they behave. Being a 'lesser person', sometimes I see others (even those whom I thought was close friends) showed gestures, trying to avoid me simply because they have certain positions. For me, since the insinuation there is that I am not wanted, I tend to shy away from such people. However, the ones I try to avoid the most (not out of fear but wanting my life to be peaceful) are those who have acted in a way that had adverse effects on me in the university. Unfortunately, I can't really forget these events (even if I can forgive for what has happened). This is why I have always said that one should not be comfortable in positions of power and popularity for too long, else the risk of being a snob and vicious. I am not a person who likes to do office politics and I have never campaigned for any position; even after many meetings, I do not go and rub shoulders with anyone. I'm the type of person who likes to mind one's own business, unless some matters got me involved directly. So, perhaps that make me an unlikely person to lead any form of organization, which is perfectly fine for me. Indeed as I have said before, at this period in time, I do wish people leave me alone.

As I drove to work yesterday and got stuck in the toll's traffic jam, I took a picture of my wrinkled hand, to remind me of how old I am. 

Not sure how much time left I have to live, but as of today, I only have 181 days left to work in UPM (with only 129 weekdays). I wanted to finish off a few things before I go for retirement. When I met my student and younger colleague the other day, I tried to give all that I know (including possible future research). Hopefully it will get to be useful for them. Not sure of my future, but this is my situation now.