End of Ramadhan 1441

We are near the end of Ramadhan 1441. We are also in the fourth installment of the MCO which had the period extended for four weeks (instead of the usual two weeks) which will end on June 9. This goes well beyond Eid for about two weeks. Earlier I guessed that they will extend just a week after 'Eid, simply to avoid the huge exodus to kampung or hometown. Perhaps making it to two weeks after 'Eid will make the exodus less likely. Apparently not. The pic below is late night yesterday.

Source: unknown - from social media

Anyway, I'm less worried about the Covid-19 pandemic now but am more concerned on what kind of life we will be living in (at least) the few years to come. I remember just before the MCO started and people started to be very concerned on the outbreak, I listened to Brandon Ogbunu's talk at Perimeter Institute (PI), trying to understand more about the virus and the disease. I even wrote to him asking him about the extra resources beyond his talk and he did reply but did not get the resources mentioned as he assumed that I had access to them through the PI inner circle (which of course I'm not). I read his Wired article about Carpetbaggers and reflected upon my own self. My intent, of course, was simply to know more about Covid-19 and hopefully will explain to others (locally) in case they need the information. In reality, people still do not know much about the disease and that article however made me reflect more beyond the Covid-19 issue and what we are claiming of ourselves. Sometimes we need to be clear about this, particularly in this holy month of Ramadhan when we are supposed to reflect more on our lives.

When I decided to become a (theoretical) physicist after high school, I consider myself as an average student and I don't have any big dreams. I was not the top five students in the school (but was probably around top ten, I guess) and I never thought too much about the status though there is a sense of competition to be good. When I was in Adelaide, the feeling is very much the same but with huge classes, one felt just being a nobody. As one gets closer to the final year, when the classes got smaller, I found myself doing better despite that my mentality have always been shaped-stereotyped as one of poor performers. I tend to rebel against this stereotyping. When I further my studies in Cambridge and later in Durham, I see a lot more intelligent people around and the feeling of being average sank in again, but of course I never gave up and did what I could, completed my studies (and it is not with ease).

Joining the academia, I really had the wish of establishing a theoretical physics group but considered various options of research areas and see what works. Found myself working alone mostly since not many here are interested in what I do. To salvage the situation, I started to take up more postgraduate students (perhaps too many). This slowly builds a community of theorists in UPM. Started to call in international experts to help us out and to help us explore new directions. My view then is that we must elevate our thinking up to the level of these experts. To some, we might not be ready enough to do this but we have managed to get international experts know us and some of them visited us a few times. What I felt is that we need more conditioning of our thinking cum research at a respectable level for international experts to notice us. This course of action sometimes get questioned by others; what are so-called return of investment. In my mind, was simply just getting the culture into place (not forced collaboration); the rest, all the work, we have to do them ourselves. Currently with the Covid-19, our internationalization efforts will get more difficult with travels are being made limited. Furthermore, we find more international staff are leaving us to  go to other places.

Over the years, things have indeed gotten more difficult as KPIs are set without taking into consideration the technical fields we are doing, mostly shied away by others. Have been classed as non-performers and sometimes suffered insults and smeared campaigns, some of which probably affect our livelihood. I get to the point of hating the word 'smart-working', when in reality, what it means is just gaming the system. After awhile, I do sense I'm not really wanted in that position despite efforts of fitting in. The last few years have been humbling indeed. Deep within me, I understand the thing is not about our egos but putting progress into the community which may take several different paths according to one's own understanding. That's why I finally left with the thought of not wanting to carry the baggage of unpleasant memories with me. In a way, I purposely cut myself off so that I can simply focus on moving ahead (so please forgive me if this looks bad to you). I have only about two years ahead of me before I retire and thus would prefer a meaningful ending. I will continue to move forward with our sizable theory group that I'm with, irrespective of what others think, but these humbling lessons will be in my thoughts forever (not grudges) to remind me to be cautious in life. My prayers in these final moments of Ramadhan is that we can create something meaningful, not to please people, but to make sure that what we do help us progress in theoretical and quantum sciences and hopefully will be counted (at least) as good deeds for our afterlife. 

For the critics, please be kind; your actions actually do affect others. Here's an article: https://www.technologynetworks.com/neuroscience/news/a-lifetime-of-adversity-dampens-the-brains-dopamine-production-327178