Apart from a series of long weekends last few weeks or so, I have been taking extra leaves due to my physical ageing conditions. Probably much due to highly stressed situations (which I will blog in future posts), my blood pressure has been high for the last several weeks, particularly diastolic pressure is typically 90 and easily gets into the 100+ range. Usually, such rise in pressure is accompanied by headaches and even chest pains (which is worrying for me due to diseased heart). In a bad spell, I would just need to lie down and occasionally my body simply shuts down in the form of drowsiness or unattentiveness. In such situations, I prefer not to come to work at all and prefer to rest or work at home at my own pace. I don't put up these stories for pride or need of sympathy but more for my own cautionary awareness of my state of health and others to understand if needed.
So last Monday, I decided to go to a private hospital to check-up on my health conditions. The weekend before I had abdominal pains and occasionally some chest pains. I could not do any work simply because I was too tired trying to bear the pain. My other half had suggested to me to go to the hospital a few times then but I knew then that I would simply be warded on Sunday only to receive doctor's advice on the next day. So we decided to go on the Monday instead. By then, the pain had subsided but we still decided to go for the check-up. The specialist we saw is my senior during school and university days and he specialised in gastroenterology, He advised me to go for endoscopy but since I had some chest pains and have history of diseased heart, he had to consult his colleague cardiologist before doing the procedure. I was then warded and did immediately some tests; the MRI scan was done during the night - I guess it was too busy during the day. The next day, I met the cardiologist and he explained that there were some minor blockage in three veins on the left part of my heart but it was only 30-50%. I knew this before from my last check-up and there was nothing new. He advised me to simply continue with medication and there is no need for invasive procedures. The other test I was waiting for was endoscopy. However since the abdominal pain has gone, my specialist friend gave me two options, to simply continue some prescribed medication and be discharged or wait for another day to do the scope. Worried that the hospital charges are already high, I opted for the former. Indeed when discharged, the bill had already gone beyond RM6500. This was more than I expected and had to use partially the credit card. Why I did not use insurance? I have given up on medical coverage when an insurance company decided not to cover my back pain hospital admission years ago and gave excuses on me not declaring the problems I had. So whatever policies I have now are for other purposes. Why not use public hospital? Well the private hospital was the closest to my house and they had already medical records of mine. In addition, I was prepared to pay to a certain extent but was surprised to get the amount stated above. Regrets? Maybe. The supposedly endoscopy that I wish I have did not happen and the cardiac tests simply gave reports that I have already known before.
With the above now made known, I hope to dispel any ideas of me trying to take more long weekends off. If last week's leave was indeed my attempt for a longer weekend, then it is certainly very expensive one for me. When I take leaves, normally either I'm really not well or I have something personal to do urgently, and this can be near the weekend or even in the middle of the week (my record of leaves should show). As much as I like to stay at home, I do love to do (academic) work in a stimulating and harmonious environment (unfortunately, not readily available sometimes at office). By the way I was anxious to come to work today (Monday) to discuss directions of the institute with respect to possible restructuring.
Am I making up all the pains for my convenience? I wish I can easily say no (or even yes) but there may be subtle psychological influences that make the situation as such. All this while I am trying to understand my bodily functions. The chest pains that I am feeling could be attributable to two different ailments: diseased heart and my gerd (gastroesophageal reflux disease). Essentially I can't tell which is which. Some people tell me that pain of a heart attack are pressuring or squeezing pain and not of sharp pain. I have experienced both, most of which are sharp pains but occasionally pressurizing pain. Whether I have suffered a heart attack, blood tests have not shown this. So I do not really know what it is. Are they all symptoms of my abdominal problem? Statistically, it seems strange to have more than 95% of the sharp pains coming from the left side of the chest. I would have expected naively, they are a bit less biased to which side of the chest. So I don't know what is really happening and whether I should be worried.
What I do know for sure is these pains I'm having are getting more frequent and I'm a bit concerned. I don't wish for me to depart so soon or unexpectedly. I wish I could live till the age of 90+ (like our prime minister) and still considered be useful. I have many dreams that I wish to pursue but old age has made me realise that some of these are statistically impossible.
Should I attribute these pains to work stress? Again, I have no clear answer yes or no. Certainly over the years, work has become more stressful and less enjoyable. Note that I don't long for those years back in the 80s and 90s where things are more laidback, nor do I want the current situation of chasing KPIs regardless of what is considered natural or not. I do know that I prefer to work within an environment where we are allowed to be creative on what we are passionate about. I hope whatever future we design allows for these things to happen. Otherwise, we may just be misleading ourselves in conforming to numbers (KPIs).
That brings me to a nice paper I saw yesterday about Goodhart's Law. I think admin should read them.
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