Talks and Thoughts

Have been busy lately with preparing for invited talks and preparing exams. Much to the point of having sleep disorders and exhaustion. But often I asked to what results? Only to receive flak and displeasure? I guess I should take the lesson of life in not expecting anything from others and do things to my own self-satisfaction. Even in this, one gets criticisms for being exclusive or 'syok sendiri' (full of oneself). So no matter what one does, there will always be somebody who torments you with their words. I guess some might say, I'm a grumpy old man. Thus my preference of self-isolation, away from most people, interacting only minimally until I retire.

I certainly have a lot in my mind and when I face competing priorities, two factors come to my mind: (i) the number of people affected by the task; (ii) the impact or importance of the task itself. For instance, recently when I had a presentation I need to complete for Comdata conference and I had classes to prepare, I had to forego the latter as the talk involves my commitment to an external community or persons, while our classes can be postponed to a different time. I did finish the presentation (but not completely to my satisfaction) and gave the talk. My talk was probably out of place with most of the other talks are on computational physics (mainly atomic and nuclear physics). I had to rush my talk towards the end and went overtime for an extra five minutes to come to some conclusion (the talk was only half-an-hour). Hence, I felt I could do better.

Well, I had another chance of going through the talk at our departmental seminar (see picture for an unofficial version of the poster).

While slightly better prepared, I still think I could have done better (see the recorded video link below and tell me what you think). Perhaps my slight disappointment was with the turnout which is roughly about twenty and many of these are our usual regular group meeting attendees and some people I know from outside (including Dr. Yap from UTM who was there showing support). That means not many from the department came. I guess many are not interested in the talk but my bigger fear is whether people are actually boycotting (which I really wanted to know the reason why, so that I can be better but not bitter). Please do know whatever stories people tell about me, there is always another side of the story. It does seem sometimes that people from outside are probably more appreciative on the theoretical work that we do but this is probably just apparently so since the ones that have shown appreciation are those who are working in fields closer to ours. In any case, this grumpy old man will be retiring soon and I sincerely wish my younger theoretical physics colleagues will not have to face what I have gone through.

Below is the link to the video of my talk at the departmental seminar (most probably my last talk at the department). Have tried to make the talk mostly qualitative to make it accessible.

On a brighter side, recently Dr. Bahari Idrus from UKM came to visit me and brought along copies of the book main authored by out jointly supervised PhD student Dr. Siti Munirah (congrats to her). Here are some pics.

I still have another upcoming invited talk at the Topical Meeting of Photonics 2021. My agreement to give the talk is mainly having to respond positively to invitation of friends. I am still clueless about what to talk on, despite that there is a track on quantum information. Will be nice to make connections to the main topic of conference and to something that we do in the group. Hopefully some ideas will come soon in this weekend.

Will continue with my isolation mode and I am in the nomadic period due to our house renovations. Here is a short video clip made by my other half on my sons' rooms (not completed yet particularly the washroom). Note: the video is taken during Maghrib time and hence there was the call to prayer through the phone.

Here is our cat officiating the room with a balcony.

Here is a picture of the budget hotel where we are staying temporarily.

May Allah ease up things in my way.

November is Here: Reinventing

So, it is almost a week since Kwek gave his talk at the department. The attendance is around 30 (including my own students and acquaintances from other universities). I was hoping for more, but I have 'given up'  on convincing our locals - they can come or not come as they wish. In any case, I have put up the talk on YouTube for people to watch. Below is the video:

Have invited Kwek several times to UPM, since I was with ITMA and then later INSPEM. Have pushed for certain quantum initiatives in UPM but so far with very little success. We have our own small theory group but I was hoping it will get bigger while I am still with UPM. Now, I will leave this 'task' to my younger colleagues. 

In our informal discussions before and after the talk, Kwek has offered to set up some joint journal club. I told him, I personally would love that, but I mentioned that his group is much more advanced than us and was worried it may not work out well. In the past, I would probably get scolded for my frank admission and may be accused of not putting up a 'good image'. For me, pride or image is not the goal but it is (genuine) scientific progress. In fact, if one looks at the many well-known international researchers that I have invited over, the intent is essentially to learn. If there is any collaboration that come out of these, it will be a bonus. Whatever collaborations that arise should be organic and are of mutual interest, though this will put the burden on us to buck up and be equal in terms of scientific skills and ideas. Most of the time, however, we will be more of the recipient end. As such, I am always grateful to Kwek, Twareque Ali and others who are more than willing to help us and sympathetic with our efforts and goals. For now, it will have to be the younger generation to continue whatever we have done.

With me about to retire, I will probably have to reinvent myself to take up new things or join other places if they are interested. I have given what I can to the university, even if these are considered small to others. My plea is to let me retire in peace without too much trouble. In particular, translating literally a Malay saying, not to put sand in my rice bowl. I have tried to be a good worker in whatever organization I'm in. Having been in some managerial position before, I know how unpleasant things can be, with all the office politics. For those who don't quite like me, I will be leaving soon and for now, let us not cross path too much.

On personal matters, my house is still being renovated and I'm shuttling between a budget hotel and home. Things have been difficult for us but I hope this is for our better future. We have also helped buy a new car for my son since the car he was using, is getting too old for frequent travels to KLIA where he is working. He works six days a week and usually at odd hours and so he need a reliable piece of transport.

My youngest has also gotten his driving license recently; he is all grown up now. After his Covid-disrupted SPM, he is still waiting to be admitted to a university or college. There is still a long way ahead and with my retirement soon, I hope I can still support his studies until he gets a comfortable enough job. Last Monday, we had a small birthday celebration for my eldest.

He deserved the celebration as he helped look after the house during renovation together with my youngest) and endured all the noisy and dusty environment (not really healthy but we have the budget hotel rooms if he wants to get away for a while).

On another discomforting matter, my brother-in-law has been readmitted to the hospital due to long covid symptoms. So far, he is coping and I hope he stays strong.

Finally, may Allah help me in building a better future.